Beginning of Our New Adventure

*I wrote this back in August

So we are in the midst of our fundraising and on the cusp of starting our mission at Shrine of the True Cross

in Dickinson, TX. It's been a trying and busy time for us. We're a little nervous since I've received my last paycheck. But, we're still at peace and excited to start this new chapter, this new adventure in our lives.

I do have to say though, fundraising has been fun. I did not expect that. I worked at a nonprofit that lived on people's support, but I had no part in development. But, I did learn something about development/fundraising: If you really believe in what you are doing, you should have no shame in asking for support for it. Now that's true, but that doesn't take the butterflies away, especially in your first few meetings. But I have to say my favorite things are sharing our passion for what we are starting and how we got here, and getting to be with people. We get to sit down with friends, acquaintances, old employers, etc, catch up, break bread, share coffee, share life together. Whether the person tells us yes they will support us and sign up on the spot or they tell us no because they don't believe in giving to church things, we get to spend time with people we love.

I do have to admit though, that there was a moment when I thought, "I'm asking people for money. I'm asking people for money to help my family live while other people are working 9 to 5s to earn that same money. Is this right?" But the reality is, I'm doing something that others aren't. I'm doing something that others aren't willing to do. The ministry I'll be doing isn't my job. Well, yeah it is, but I get to do my passion so it doesn't feel like one. Yet, my mission isn't what puts food on the table. The fundraising is what puts food on the table. The support from people that truly believe in what we are doing is what puts food on the table and eventually a roof over our heads. My job, is fundraising. My job is telling people about how we are dedicating our lives to doing something that others won't do and that they can join us in that by helping us live so we can do that.

But in reality, it isn't only monetary support that we are gaining. The blessings and wisdom I/we have received has been surprising. We've made connections with people through others, we've had people telling us that they are willing to help in multiple ways, we've even had people go out of their way to bless us in pretty large ways that are not monetary.

It's definitely a humbling experience. It's a lesson in patience. It's a training field for working. Someone told me they couldn't imagine fundraising for a family of 4. I said, "Neither can I!" So here we go!

Nice, France, Happens Daily Sans Truck

*I originally wrote this back in July.

I was talking with Erika about whether the world is getting worse or does it seem worse because of all the media and everyone having cameras so everything gets caught. I personally think it's a little of both with more of the reason behind the possible media exposure. And with the media exposure sometimes some events get more attention than others and people get upset over that, "Well you supported 'Pray for X' why not 'Pray for Y'".

All of these events and the loss of life deserves attention and our prayers. But I think there's a danger in these events becoming a distraction from what is right in front of us. All of a sudden what is wrong with the world is "over there", "those people", "that country" has problems. And some of those notions are understandable. Bombs aren't going on everywhere and people aren't being run over by trucks everywhere. It's shocking. But, it's that subtle "Hey look over there" that can allow things nearby to fall apart.

I'm so excited for our new journey with Adore Ministries because we focus on the right here and right now. We focus on the people around us. We put value in the time spent with the person right in front of us, in our home, in our neighborhood, in our schools and community.

I bring this up because an advantage of being in ministry is you get to see behind the white picket fences, behind the house walls, and see what Screwtape likes to take people's attention from and cause non action and what moving trucks are reeking havoc in our lives. This past week I was at Life Teen Camp Covecrest with some teens we brought. It is here, at the one location at camp where you can catch wifi, while checking Instagram that I found out about Nice. It was a great week as always. But something happened on our last day that broke my heart. They brought up some teens to share what they had experienced during the week. Teens shared how they met God for the first time, how they were able to get back on track with the prayer, etc. But one girl particularly made me think. She shared how about a year ago she was at camp and had a great experience. Yet, during the school year someone bought a bottle of Tylenol, brought it to school, gave it to her, and told her she should swallow the whole bottle. She did. That night she was brought to the hospital. She survived. This week, she needed God to show up. He did, and she built a new community that week to go home with and knows now that she does not need to be controlled by others that obviously don't love her.

No bombs, no moving trucks, no police violence, but look at the ways we destroy the people around us. Sarcasm, ignoring the lonely, not forgiving, not spending time, gossip, being judgemental, holding grudges, tearing each other down, etc. They aren't quick kills, but they only lead to death, nothing else. Maybe not always death of the body but definitely death of the spirit of a person.

So yes, let's pay attention to what is going on in the world around us. But, don't forget to take care of those around us. And as we examine how we got to bombs, trucks, and police shootings, let's examine ourselves to see how we are loving or not.

Sing Like You Think No One's Listening

In my journey to be unashamed of my faith and for all of my answers to God's calling me into uncomfortable situations to grow me and use me, I'm seeking to live unhinged, joy-filled, untamed like the Lion Aslan. I mentioned before that I consecrated myself and He took it seriously. I prayed to dedicate myself. Now I pray to live in the present intentionally to listen to his call. He answers those prayers. He's the one who told us to ask, seek, and knock, but I don't think we always take him seriously.

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives; and the one who seeks, finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. - Matthew 7:7-8

One of my favorite songs from Straylight Run has this chorus and bridge:

Sing like you think no one's listening,

You would kill for this,

Just a little bit,

Just a little bit,

You would, you would... 

Sing me something soft,

Sad and delicate,

or loud and out of key,

Sing me anything,

we're glad for what we've got,

Done with what we've lost

Our whole lives laid out right in front of us...

Now this song has it's own meaning but for me lately it's all been about prayer and God's reaching out to us telling us how much He wants to hear from us. I know that everyone wishes they could live out who they truly are and not be afraid of judgement. We wish we could sing out loud, dance in public, express ourselves in our own way, dress, look, speak, act how we truly can and are. But, we succumb to self consciousness and worry about what others might think. We even worry about how God might think about us. Yet, He has His arms wide open ready to pour His love and graces into our lives.

To me He's asking us to give him anything, give him everything, the good, the bad, the ugly. It doesn't have to be pretty. Just like our singing when worship leaders say that if He gave you a terrible voice, give it right back to him in singing. St. Augustine said that singing is like praying twice. He wants us. He wants and will start healing us with anything, He just wants us to let Him in.

We like to talk about the mustard seed, the coin the old woman gives, the young boy that had only so much fish, but I don't think we believe it is good enough in reality. We want to be perfect first. We call people hypocrites who go to church and are liars, cheats, adulterers, addicts, sinners, yet that is exactly where they...we need to be. Jesus said He came for the sick. The Church is not a country club for people to come in and gloat about how they have everything together. It is a battlefield hospital for the wounded, confused, the lost, disgusting, the sinner.

Even now during worship I worry about who's watching. I get nervous about acting out my worship with my body, "Should I open my hands, how bout put my arms up". Honestly, sometimes I want to be throwing my arms and dreads around. Who cares what others think (well obviously I do). This is not for them, it's for God. But then I make it all about me and not God. In Bishop Fulton Sheen's book "The Seven Last Words" he recounts a story when Jesus appears to St. Jerome and asks him what he will give him:
Jerome answered, "I will give You my writings," to which Our Lord replied that it was not enough. "Then," said Jerome, "what shall I give You? My life of penance and mortification?" But the answer was, "Even that is not enough!" "What have I left to give you?" cried Jerome. Our Blessed Lord answered, "Jerome, you can give Me your sins." He tells Jerome to give Him the worst of him so that he can then be free, which is what he came and died for.

In those moments of life, or worship, of just being I'll try, and I encourage you, to sing like no one is listening or watching, although, He is. I mean it's for Him anyway, right?

God is Holding a Pistol to My Head

Ok that title was a little dramatic. I manipulated a quote from Innocent Smith of G.K. Chesterton's
Manalive:

“I am going to hold a pistol to the head of the Modern Man. But I shall not use it to kill him–only to bring him to life.” 

 Let me explain. Innocent Smith is Chesterton's Mary Poppins. He appears in people's lives and instead of reprimanding them and singing them into living a happy life he pulls guns on people and puts them in incredibly uncomfortable situations to call them to live fully alive, as St. Irenaeus would put it.

In this past week's spiritual direction session my director pointed something out to me that truly opened my eyes. So, I had admitted in our first session that I want to be unashamed and able to share the reason for my joy and who provides it for me with anyone. Yet, I still hold on to some control of who I share with. But she pointed out, like many people say, that if you ask for a gift he will put you in situations for you to use it and grow. She also pointed out my consecration bracelet and the fact that I wear a scapular. Both devotions are all about giving EVERYTHING to God and allowing him to use me as he pleases. She pointed out that he takes those requests seriously!

Since becoming a missionary, since my last session, due to hindsight, I've seen so much spiritual growth in my self. I have shared with people that it took us becoming missionaries for me and Erika to start doing things we've been trying to do as a couple for almost 9 years. We sit down every time we get paid to work out our budget for the month. We have picked a set day of the week to check in and see how each other is doing mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally. But the most growth I've seen has been in my comfort level with other people.

I'm naturally an introvert (INFP if you care to know) and many times in my life I have allowed that to be an excuse to get out of situations, to not go places, to not talk to people. But, as a missionary, I survive through people's generosity and believing in us as a family and our mission. So, I have to meet with people to share our mission and our joy for it and invite them along for the journey. Translation: I have to talk with strangers, people I barely know, go into their homes, go out for coffee or a meal, and get to know them and share my story. This has never been my thing. This is uncomfortable. This is inconvenient. Yet, i have grown to truly enjoy this and look forward to all of these meetings.

Also, in our new mission at Shrine of the True Cross, I have to start knowing the people, the families, the youth, and my co workers. Although this is an integral part of ministry they always make me nervous and self conscious. Sometimes they still do, but as I mentioned in a previous post, I ask God to give me the courage and to be present in the appointments he assigns. Heck, I'm still sometimes nervous with the youth. One morning I introduced myself to the school body at the church school and then figured it would be a waste not to visit the middle school students at lunch. So, I wasted 10 minutes of their lunch being nervous in my office, then walked over to the school building (I took the longest route), then wasted another five minutes in the hall way acting like I was doing something on my phone. When I finally worked up the courage to walk into the cafeteria and talk to the students they told me they thought I was playing Pokemon Go. But, I had a blast and they were totally welcoming.

I consecrated myself to God through two different devotions, and have renewed one annually since. He took that seriously. My spiritual director pointed that out and that He has been putting me in situations and I have been saying either "yes" or "no". My prayer is to one day have "yes" be my only answer.

If Christ is Lord of Heaven and Earth, Why Do I Keep from Singing?

The hymn goes,

Since Christ is Lord of heaven and earth, how can I keep from singing?

But, I think I've been living my life by re-writing the hymn to,

If Christ is Lord of heaven and earth, why do I keep from singing? 

The first question my new spiritual director asked me in our first session a couple months ago was, "What kind of person do you want to be?" My answer was to be the type of person that is filled with such joy and is not afraid nor ashamed to share the source of that joy with anyone. I always think of a gym member at my gym, Jerry, Brother Jerry. Jerry is a big powerful older man that talks to everyone, loves on everyone, and has no fear of sharing his joy and his faith in God, whether he knows them or not. He even prayed over me in a squat rack after I told him about my family's new adventure in life as a missionary family, right there, smack dab in the middle of the gym. It was awesome! But, I'm not living like that.

My problem: control. Man, here I was thinking I put all my trust in Christ, thinking I had fully stepped out of the boat becoming a missionary with Adore Ministries. I was doing great! But, I have not relinquished all control, not by any measure. I want to be able to share my faith with anyone unashamed, but I still dictate who, when, and where that is. "I'll talk with him, and him, but oh not with him," not necessarily because of who a person is but more out of my being self conscious. I say I want God to use me, but when he points me in a direction, I still have the ability to say "Nope, uh uh."

I do this in my day to day when I feel called to speak to a random person, give someone a compliment, or even in my family when I feel like something is up with someone or even if I'm drawn to say the simplest things like "Hey" or "Good morning". I just shrug or laugh things off when a conversation gets inappropriate, but I'm the guy who "jumped out the boat".

Over the past two months my director asked me to do a couple things. First I was told to meditate on the cross and Jesus' passion. He went through that to draw me closer to him, how come I can't go through a little discomfort to draw others to Him. I picked up a recommendation, Bishop Fulton Sheen's "The Seven Last Words" to help with my meditation. Then I was told to ask God to put me in situations that would allow me to grow and maybe to even get something to remind me of that. So, I went and purchased a St. Raphael medal. He's the patron saint of divine appointments.

My spiritual director is new. I had no reason to leave my old one but as life was going through changes she popped into my head and heart. But life happened in a way that lead to choosing my new one, and I regret nothing. The way it happened is rather odd. I told my former director that even though we'd eventually be moving to a new town where my mission would be I'd still drive the 30-45 minutes to see him. I don't know what happened but he ended up taking me off of his schedule. It became difficult to get back with him so I took that as a sign to move on. I had previously spoken with my current director telling her that I had no reason to switch but that she popped into my head and I asked her if she had a policy against directing men and to pray about if she'd feel open to directing me since we previously worked together. I grew so much through her before she was my director, and this new journey with her is no cake walk and I sure am being challenged.

I plan on continuing to share this journey here.

This post was inspired while playing Audrey Assad's album "Inheritance" and listening to "How Can I Keep from Singing" on our drive to Louisiana for Thanksgiving. Give it a listen and get a copy, or 10, and give them out for Christmas.

Come Further In! Come Further Up!: Aslan and My First Day of Advent

(Written last night after mass.)

Today is the first day of Advent...HAPPY NEW YEAR! I went to 7:30PM mass by myself at the Chapel of St. Basil at the University of St. Thomas. Adeline had been feeling bad off and on throughout the day so Erika went at 5:00 with Elanor and then I went. It really is a blessing, those times when we are either able to go just the two of us, Erika and I, or by ourselves. It's just so much easier to really enter into the mass when we aren't wrangling the girls.

Mass was going great. It's our favorite place to go to mass, the readings were powerful, Fr. Michael Buentello was on point with his homily as always, and then things got intense. During the Agnus Dei I started thinking about Aslan and I almost broke down crying.

Let me explain. We have been reading the Chronicles of Narnia to the girls for the past few months. We are currently on The Last Battle. I've been waiting to read this book (I have never read all of the books before) especially because Fr. Mike Schmitz has mentioned it in his homilies. In his recent series he is talking about being homesick for heaven, our true home.  His homilies and these images have really been impactful for me especially wanting to take Fr.'s advice in becoming homesick. But really, the Aslan character has always been a powerful image to me. But the idea of him combined with our arrival to heaven has been a very penetrating thought. Near the end of the book Aslan beckons the creatures and the children to follow him: "He turned swiftly round, crouched lower, lashed himself with his tail and shot away like a golden arrow. "Come further in! Come further up!" he shouted over his shoulder." They don't think they can keep us so they start walking in the same direction. But, at one point the unicorn starts to run. The rest of them run also but they are able to keep up.

""I have come home at last! This is my real country! I belong here. This is the land I have been looking for all my life, though I never knew it till now. The reason why we loved the old Narnia is that it sometimes looked like this. Bree-hee-hee! Come further up, come further in."

He shook his mane and sprang forward into a great gallop-a Unicorn's gallop, which, in our world, would have carried him out of sight in a few moments. But now a most strange thing happened. Everyone else began to run, and they found, to their astonishment, that they could keep up with him: not only the Dogs and the humans but even fat little Puzzle and short-legged Poggin the Dwarf. The air flew in their faces as if they were driving fast in a car without a windscreen. The country flew past as if they were seeing it from the windows of an express train. Faster and faster they raced, but no one go hot or tired or out of breath."

It was during the Agnus Dei that I thought of this scene and Aslan saying "Come further in! Come further up!" I started to cry, but these weren't tears of sadness, they were tears of thanks and a moment of being grateful in a moment of intimacy. From that point all the way up to after receiving Jesus in the Eucharist (I was trying to keep from crying the whole way up the aisle and back) and getting back to my pew I was in this state. It wasn't until this point where I could connect the dots of the entirety of the mass and my experience. In this beginning of Advent we are being asked to do just what Aslan beckoned, "Come further in! Come further up?" We are being asked to enter this season and to journey to Christ's coming.

The readings point us to Jesus coming and ruling the nations where, "They shall beat their swords into plowshares and their spears into pruning hooks; on nation shall not raise the sword against another, nor shall they train for war again," PEACE. The response to the psalm, "Let us go rejoicing to the house of the Lord." And Jesus reminds us in the Gospel that what happens in the first reading is coming. Jesus is coming, and we should be prepping, we should be ready.

So for me, my theme for this Advent will be "Come further in! Come further up!", hoping that I'll be drawn

into the great reality of Jesus being born into the world. He came to be the light and show us the way. This way is treacherous and beautiful. Most of the time we want it but when it is shown to us it can be daunting. In The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, as they approach the Dark Island the crew decides that they won't go into the darkness. Reepicheep speaks up, "And why not?" No one answers so he does so:

""If I were addressing peasants or slaves," he said, "I might suppose that this suggestion proceeded from cowardice. But I hope it will never be told in Narnia that  company of noble and royal person in the flower of their age turned tail because they were afraid of the dark."" -

 It is then mentioned that their is not practical use in entering. Reepicheep answers,

"Use? Use, Captain? If by use you mean filling our bellies or our purses, I confess it will be no use at all. So far as I know we did not set sail to look for things useful but to seek honor and adventure. And here is as great an adventure as ever I heard of, and here, if we turn back, no little impeachment of all our honors."

It's at this point that Lucy stands for us all. She would rather not go on into the darkness but she answers, "I'm game." Well for this Advent, I'm game. Further in! Further up!

Picking Funerals

Carl the Cuck Slayer VS. Van Jones

This video expresses everything I've been thinking and trying to articulate in conversations. I personally think our biggest problem is that people can't get outside their own head, outside their own house, neighborhood, town, experience, and try to see other people's point of view. "Why do you feel that way?" "Why do you think that?" No, people want an immediate reaction and tell people that they should look, act, speak, think like them. I do not believe a man needs to walk in another man's shoes. I think we are capable enough to stop and try to sympathize and empathize with others. Here are just a few thoughts of mine on things the video brings up and thoughts of my own:

1. In reality people want to make sure sides are taken and defend those sides to the death. And because of this need to defend and win people don't stay on topic. You want to talk about slavery, they need to mention Republicans freed the slaves. You want to talk about police brutality towards blacks, they want to talk about black on black crime. These are both important topics, but they are different, and we should be able to focus on one without bringing up another. You want to talk about black lives mattering they want to talk about all lives mattering. Well of course all lives matter, again, two different topics. Stick to the topic at hand. Stop trying to be the nice guy and allow a discussion to happen. And news channels and people on social media like to cherry pick people of color that may disagree with protest tactics or groups, "Look, I found one on our side!", yet that doesn't change the fact that there is a problem.

2. What bothers me the most is while we are on our sides we also choose who is worthy of mourning. This even comes down to our churches. I've seen plenty of churches putting up blue ribbons in support of the police. This is good and just. Yet, I have yet to hear about the lives of those killed by police officers in the local churches I've been to lately. Our churches are picking funerals. Our churches are picking sides.

3. People on the right/conservatives want to use science and numbers when it is advantageous to them but when it isn't they brush it off or don't use it to it's fullest extent (both left and right do this). Want to talk abortion? Lets look at the science. It is murder. Want to talk numbers/stats, lets take them as plain as possible. I am not a statistician, but I believe that when you are comparing two groups of numbers/populations, the real impact lies in the total number and the percentage of impact to the whole (I hope that made sense. It does in my head.) So if you have a group of 10 and 9 are affected, then you have a group of 100 and 20 are affected, obviously more were affected in the group of 100, but the group of 10 as a whole was more impacted by the loss of the 9.

4. One last thing, history. We are a country of people that once owned and abused other people, stole this land from those who were already here, wait stay on topic. But, when people want to talk about, teach about, discuss the past people, especially the right, like to brush it off and say we are a post racial country. The days of oppression and slavery are not so long ago. As Van Jones points out, he is the first generation to be born with all of his rights. I have family that lived through and experienced abuses during the civil rights times. I have personally experienced racism in my short life so far. One experience that sticks out is not being served in a little town called Tiger, GA. I've been around white folks who talk about blacks or other minorities in a derogatory way because they don't realize what I am so they feel it's safe because none of "them" are around. Do I think they are going to pitch a burning cross in my yard, no, but let's not say we're post racial now.

So in my opinion I agree with Van Jones, it is not all Pres. Obama's fault our country is more racially divided. A reality has been brought to light, it makes people uncomfortable, and they need someone to blame...off topic. What needs to happen is what happens in this video. Discussion. Taking the time. I think this interview was meant to be a sting/trap but it turned out, in my opinion, beautifully. This is beautiful and possible. I've experienced it with people I've spoken with. The problem is we surround ourselves with people who think exactly like us so we don't get challenged. Let's stop trying to win arguments, trying to post the most clever rebuttal in meme form, and actually have discussion. Or maybe not say or write anything at all until we've tried to digest a situation.

 I'm not perfect. But I know the kind of world I want my family to be in. I want to be able to go out at night without my wife worrying about my safety. I want to be able to clean  a friend's gym without my wife worrying about neighbors seeing the guy with dreads and calling police or taking charge. I want my girls to be able to have friendships and not have to worry about being treated based on what they look like whether this is based on their skin, hair, how they talk, or clothes. We live in an amazing country. How did we get here? It was never perfect. People took the time. Let's take the time.