God is Holding a Pistol to My Head

Ok that title was a little dramatic. I manipulated a quote from Innocent Smith of G.K. Chesterton's
Manalive:

“I am going to hold a pistol to the head of the Modern Man. But I shall not use it to kill him–only to bring him to life.” 

 Let me explain. Innocent Smith is Chesterton's Mary Poppins. He appears in people's lives and instead of reprimanding them and singing them into living a happy life he pulls guns on people and puts them in incredibly uncomfortable situations to call them to live fully alive, as St. Irenaeus would put it.

In this past week's spiritual direction session my director pointed something out to me that truly opened my eyes. So, I had admitted in our first session that I want to be unashamed and able to share the reason for my joy and who provides it for me with anyone. Yet, I still hold on to some control of who I share with. But she pointed out, like many people say, that if you ask for a gift he will put you in situations for you to use it and grow. She also pointed out my consecration bracelet and the fact that I wear a scapular. Both devotions are all about giving EVERYTHING to God and allowing him to use me as he pleases. She pointed out that he takes those requests seriously!

Since becoming a missionary, since my last session, due to hindsight, I've seen so much spiritual growth in my self. I have shared with people that it took us becoming missionaries for me and Erika to start doing things we've been trying to do as a couple for almost 9 years. We sit down every time we get paid to work out our budget for the month. We have picked a set day of the week to check in and see how each other is doing mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally. But the most growth I've seen has been in my comfort level with other people.

I'm naturally an introvert (INFP if you care to know) and many times in my life I have allowed that to be an excuse to get out of situations, to not go places, to not talk to people. But, as a missionary, I survive through people's generosity and believing in us as a family and our mission. So, I have to meet with people to share our mission and our joy for it and invite them along for the journey. Translation: I have to talk with strangers, people I barely know, go into their homes, go out for coffee or a meal, and get to know them and share my story. This has never been my thing. This is uncomfortable. This is inconvenient. Yet, i have grown to truly enjoy this and look forward to all of these meetings.

Also, in our new mission at Shrine of the True Cross, I have to start knowing the people, the families, the youth, and my co workers. Although this is an integral part of ministry they always make me nervous and self conscious. Sometimes they still do, but as I mentioned in a previous post, I ask God to give me the courage and to be present in the appointments he assigns. Heck, I'm still sometimes nervous with the youth. One morning I introduced myself to the school body at the church school and then figured it would be a waste not to visit the middle school students at lunch. So, I wasted 10 minutes of their lunch being nervous in my office, then walked over to the school building (I took the longest route), then wasted another five minutes in the hall way acting like I was doing something on my phone. When I finally worked up the courage to walk into the cafeteria and talk to the students they told me they thought I was playing Pokemon Go. But, I had a blast and they were totally welcoming.

I consecrated myself to God through two different devotions, and have renewed one annually since. He took that seriously. My spiritual director pointed that out and that He has been putting me in situations and I have been saying either "yes" or "no". My prayer is to one day have "yes" be my only answer.