If Christ is Lord of Heaven and Earth, Why Do I Keep from Singing?

The hymn goes,

Since Christ is Lord of heaven and earth, how can I keep from singing?

But, I think I've been living my life by re-writing the hymn to,

If Christ is Lord of heaven and earth, why do I keep from singing? 

The first question my new spiritual director asked me in our first session a couple months ago was, "What kind of person do you want to be?" My answer was to be the type of person that is filled with such joy and is not afraid nor ashamed to share the source of that joy with anyone. I always think of a gym member at my gym, Jerry, Brother Jerry. Jerry is a big powerful older man that talks to everyone, loves on everyone, and has no fear of sharing his joy and his faith in God, whether he knows them or not. He even prayed over me in a squat rack after I told him about my family's new adventure in life as a missionary family, right there, smack dab in the middle of the gym. It was awesome! But, I'm not living like that.

My problem: control. Man, here I was thinking I put all my trust in Christ, thinking I had fully stepped out of the boat becoming a missionary with Adore Ministries. I was doing great! But, I have not relinquished all control, not by any measure. I want to be able to share my faith with anyone unashamed, but I still dictate who, when, and where that is. "I'll talk with him, and him, but oh not with him," not necessarily because of who a person is but more out of my being self conscious. I say I want God to use me, but when he points me in a direction, I still have the ability to say "Nope, uh uh."

I do this in my day to day when I feel called to speak to a random person, give someone a compliment, or even in my family when I feel like something is up with someone or even if I'm drawn to say the simplest things like "Hey" or "Good morning". I just shrug or laugh things off when a conversation gets inappropriate, but I'm the guy who "jumped out the boat".

Over the past two months my director asked me to do a couple things. First I was told to meditate on the cross and Jesus' passion. He went through that to draw me closer to him, how come I can't go through a little discomfort to draw others to Him. I picked up a recommendation, Bishop Fulton Sheen's "The Seven Last Words" to help with my meditation. Then I was told to ask God to put me in situations that would allow me to grow and maybe to even get something to remind me of that. So, I went and purchased a St. Raphael medal. He's the patron saint of divine appointments.

My spiritual director is new. I had no reason to leave my old one but as life was going through changes she popped into my head and heart. But life happened in a way that lead to choosing my new one, and I regret nothing. The way it happened is rather odd. I told my former director that even though we'd eventually be moving to a new town where my mission would be I'd still drive the 30-45 minutes to see him. I don't know what happened but he ended up taking me off of his schedule. It became difficult to get back with him so I took that as a sign to move on. I had previously spoken with my current director telling her that I had no reason to switch but that she popped into my head and I asked her if she had a policy against directing men and to pray about if she'd feel open to directing me since we previously worked together. I grew so much through her before she was my director, and this new journey with her is no cake walk and I sure am being challenged.

I plan on continuing to share this journey here.

This post was inspired while playing Audrey Assad's album "Inheritance" and listening to "How Can I Keep from Singing" on our drive to Louisiana for Thanksgiving. Give it a listen and get a copy, or 10, and give them out for Christmas.