Lenten Series 6: Play the Tape to the End: Behind the Scenes (Conclusion)

Watch the final video here: Play the Tape to the End: Behind the Scenes (Conclusion)

This 6th and final episode of Play the Tape to the End does not have a well rounded ending. And it shouldn't, Antoine's journey is ongoing. The same goes for this Lent, just because it is Holy Week now and we are coming up on Easter, doesn't mean there will be a well rounded end to this 40 day spiritual journey.

This Lent of 2016 has been the most hectic Lent I can remember. I'm usually pretty good at slowing down during Lent, but that has not happened. Work was obviously still going on, though due to spring break, Holy Week, and Easter we only had one Life Teen event which was a full Saturday conference so not a small feet. I was also blessed to speak a a few different events and also portray Jesus in a living Stations of the Cross.

For most of Lent I'd say I thought it was going lousy. The main thing I was attempting to do for Lent was to wake up at my alarm and actually get up or if I got up before it to stay up. I wanted to do this for many reasons but mainly it was so I could life in the morning and also assist Erika with the girls. If I were up earlier I could have breakfast read, take care of the girls while Erika slept, and have some quiet prayer time before the day started. For the most part I though I was failing. But hindsight has shown me a different story. No, I have not woken up at 5:00AM all throughout Lent, but I have seen a progression in waking up earlier and earlier as well as being more intentional when I am awake and at home. My prayer life has also intensified. I have seen many fruits and received many important answers lately. And even though my prayer may not happen in the morning as I was planning, I've been intentional in getting it in once at church. I can be so scrupulous at times beating on myself because the change didn't happen over night. But one thing I've learned and in some situations have been forced to learn over this Lent is that slow and steady is sometimes the best way.

Also during this Lent I've been able to be present with a lot of people. I've been able to spend time with more teens where they are at, get to talk with great people and share space and food, and just be incarnational. I'm really hoping to have this continue on the other side of Easter Sunday.

My thought on Antoine is he is doing a lot of the right things and the people that are surrounding him are doing a great job of supporting him. If I were to sit down with him probably the only thing I'd add that I believe to be missing in his equation is God. He is not mentioned anywhere. Where do you turn in those moments of temptation? Even if you have accountability partners I think most times you involve them after the fact. Who can you call on in the midst of the moment? When you play the tape to the end, whether the cassette or VHS, music or movie, I think its better to share that with someone else and what better person than your Creator?

As we draw closer to the Triduum (Holy Thursday, Good Friday, Easter Vigil on Saturday) let's try even more to slow down. Enter into, lean into each day and the events it is commemorating.

Here's a great resource: How to Make Holy Week Truly Holy

Lenten Series 5: Play the Tape to the End: Ego

In this episode we learn that before leaving Montreal for Toronto Antoine had a serious relapse and no one heard from him for 4 days. He checked himself into rehab, but shortly after getting out he relapsed again.

There's a popular saying, especially on social media, the struggle is real. And in recovery situations, there is no truer statement. But, in the spiritual life, this saying holds true for those who are intentionally on the journey. I say intentionally specifically because every single person is on a spiritual journey whether they realize it or not. By intentionally I mean those who are seeking a particular level, particularly holiness, in their journey. In hindsight, after writing this, I realize we are all struggling to reach another level on our spiritual journey, whether we realize it or not, yet some of us are reaching for/towards God to fulfill us and others are reaching for something other than God:

“ All that we call human history-money, poverty, ambition, war, prostitution, classes, empires, slavery-is the long terrible story of man trying to find something other than God which will make him happy.” – C. S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

“You move us to delight in praising You; for you have formed us for Yourself, and our hearts are restless till they find rest in You.” – St.Augustine, Confessions

Antoine's sponsor goes on to talk about how when he was struggling with drugs he thought he could handle it himself, but that was his ego talking. Antoine concurred. At one point he thought he could handle going out and partying and not letting it take over, yet he went home, went to sleep, and woke up 4 days later.

The spiritual journey is no different. Each of us has some struggle whether big or small. And at some point we think we can handle it and conquer it on our own, but we are always reminded that we are weak, especially when we fail and fall into temptation. But I think what is most interesting is how we may have the ability to not fall into temptation and commit sin yet sometimes we toe the line and dabble with the temptation itself. We look at it, think about it, dwell on it. We may even gain pleasure in thinking of going through with the act yet don't. This is very much dancing with the devil.

St. Francis de Sales points out the three steps in the process of temptation: 1. Sin is proposed to the soul, 2. We are either please or displeased by the proposal, 3. We consent to or reject the temptation of sin. He goes on to say that even though we may have no intention of committing the sin, the very act of choosing to take pleasure in thinking about it before rejecting it is dangerous and damaging. Sometimes it can be automatic and out of our control, but other times this dwelling can be intentional and even sinful. 

I see this danger even in the simple things that we consider normal and acceptable in our daily life. 

"They (St. Catherine of Siena and St. Francis de Sales) both point out how important it is to avoid those people, places, situations, activities, and thought processes that will lead us to be tempted to a particular sin...If we see that watching a certain television program or a certain movie stirs up lust in ourselves we need to avoid those programs and movies." - Ralph Martin, The Fulfillment of All Desire

Years ago, I made the decision that even if there was a TV show I enjoyed that had a great story, characters, actors, etc, yet may have caused me to stumble, especially into lust, that it was not worth my time. Since then, with the explosion of TV series especially with Netflix and other platforms, there are hundreds of series with great stories, characters, and actors. And many of them I am very interested in. But, if I find out through word of mouth, or through checking them out on my own, that they have scenes that are basically short porn scenes, it's not worth my time. I even know people, in and outside of ministry, who are all about shows like Game of Thrones, yet that show is notorious for those types of scenes. When I mention I don't watch it an why, I've been told "well you can just fast forward through that." I don't presume myself to be holier than though, but for things like this I don't even want to do that because I don't want to support that kind of entertainment. Now I'm not saying I don't watch any show that has a sex scene, but I know what is OK for me and not. I just finished the first season of Jessica Jones on Netflix, and honestly, I don't think I'll be investing in the second.

But these are all decisions each of us has to make. The biggest part of my personal story that relates to Antoine is after my first year and a half of college. I had sworn to myself that I would not become that normal college student partying and drinking and what not. Yet, shortly after my first semester I took a nose dive. After hindsight kicked in and I was literally looking in the mirror and realized who I had become, I knew I could not be around those occasions of sin until I was able to be there and have the strength to not take part. So for 8 straight months I made my own rehab by not being around people and situations that I normally were around. This was extremely hard and lonely because this included some people I loved and cared for dearly. Yet with hindsight, that was the best decision I ever made because it was during that time I met my wife.

The struggle is real, but with God all things are possible. Getting to the other side of our struggles is possible, but it's how we enter that fight that will determine our victory or fall.

"Catherine of Siena talks about fighting the spiritual battle with a two-edge sword in our hands, with hatred of sin as one edge or the blade and love of virtue as the other. It's right and necessary to hate sin. Sin is ugly. Sin always hurts ourselves and others. Sin is offensive to God. To grow not just in our intellectual understanding of the ugliness of sin but in our emotional reaction to it is helpful for resisting temptation. Hate what is evil, hold fast to what is good. (Rom. 12:9)" - Ralph Martin, The Fulfillment of All Desire 

Watch the video: Play the Tape to the End: Ego

Lenten Series 4: Play the Tape to the End: Bodybuilding Takes Over

In this fourth episode of Play the Tape to the End, Antoine takes us on his journey of moving to Toronto to get away from the surroundings and people that lead him astray and took him off of his path. This move he made is key, not just in him getting clean but it’s also an important move in the spiritual life. In the previous post I mentioned the scripture that iron sharpens iron just as person sharpensperson. But, the opposite can also be true. People can also blunt you.

For Antoine this move not only meant getting away, but also getting closer to his trainer. His trainer mentions how at the beginning of a bodybuilders career or for people who just start working out they find it hard to concentrate. But, once they get in the groove it builds up their discipline and they find it easier to say no to things that can take them off track such as partying, eating unhealthy, having bad sleep patterns, etc. Again, the same goes for the spiritual life. Once you are able to focus, get away from major temptations, and really work on yourself, you can advance in your journey.

For me this was really evident back in college. I come from an awesome devout Catholic family. We read the bible and prayed as a family every night, made it to Sunday mass and holy days of obligation, and went to confession as a family. When we moved to Texas into a parish with a Life Teen program, my faith life was taken up another notch. I graduated high school on this Jesus high and life was good. Since I was heading off to college I told myself that I would not become that normal college person going out partying and being a total idiot wasting my life away. Well, just into my second semester, that exact thing happened. After about a year and a half I realized I had become that person I said I wouldn’t. I was suspended from school so I couldn’t go back for a whole semester. So, I realized that I could not advance, I could not get back on track if I was around the people that I kept screwing around with. So I told myself that I could not hang around my friends until I knew I could be in those environments and be strong enough to not take part. I did not hang out with my friends for a full 8 months. It was very lonely. But in hindsight I was able to pray a ton, I hung around some great people, and I met my future wife!

A few years back at my home parish’s parish retreat, Heart of Worship, Daniel Cardinal DiNardo described Lent as quarantine. He said it was quarantine for you to get away from distractions, if you choose your fasts  and Lenten activities strategically, to then come out the other side stronger and reoriented with Christ as your center. I’ve loved this description of Lent ever because I feel like it turns Lent into a 40 day retreat, if you are intentional about making it that.

I’ve been reading St. Athanasius’ account of the life of

St.Anthony of the Desert. He, just like many ascetics after him, leave society to seclude themselves to focus their efforts on union with God. I’m so appreciative for the Church and her wisdom and mercy to have such a season as Lent to have a time for retreat, a time for quarantine built into our liturgical year.

Lenten Series3: Play the Tape to the End: The Opposite of Me

This guest bodybuilder in this video (Dorian Hamilton) is a good juxtaposition with the bodybuilder in the previous episode (Greg Long). In the previous episode Antoine asked Greg Long if he had any kids. He responded by saying no, he didn't have time. His training and drive to be the best took up all of his time and effort and he wouldn't change a thing. Yet, here we have Dorian, who is around the same age as Antoine, going after his dream and is married and I assume with aspirations of starting a family.

Bodybuilding can be a very selfish sport. First off, it is all about how you look. It has nothing to do with strength and power and how much you can lift. The numbers you lift in the gym are worthless and mean nothing when you are up on stage. And you see and hear many bodybuilders putting off having real lives so that they can achieve greatness. You hear them talking about turning in on themselves and shutting out friends and family. They'll say it's not possible to have a family and a bodybuilding career. Yet, you can see some of the most successful bodybuilders doing just that, competing and achieving great accomplishments while at the same time starting and cultivating a family. I think of bodybuilders like Evan Centopani, Lee Haney, Branch Warren, Seth Feroce, Dennis Wolf and others who started families during their bodybuilding career. There is selfishness as in you need to get in YOUR training and meals and rest, but they did not shut out the world.

In order: Evan Centopani, Lee Haney, Branch Warren, Seth Feroce, Dennis Wolf.

And, in some way we have to balance our Christian walk. Ultimately we must cultivate our relationship with Jesus, yet at the same time we must love our neighbor. This was my struggle at the beginning of Lent in choosing what to do. I had a couple ideas and I voiced them to my wife. One, being more physically challenging, my wife encouraged me to pray about. She did not see how adding this extra burden was going to help me grow. I had it worked out in my head, yet it had not baring on my focus of Lent being drawing closer to Christ and coming out of bad habits that affect my family life (staying up late, working late, not waking up at my alarm, waking up and going back to sleep leaving my wife to take care of our daughters.)

It has been a great gift to me to surround myself with and spend with with men who I look up to and admire and who are excelling in areas I also want to excel in. In our spiritual journey we do not have far to look. We are blessed with the lives of the saints to see their struggle and see how they began and how they ended. Sometimes we need to spend time with someone who is at the opposite of where we are at to see how to proceed.

Lenten Series 2: Play the Tape to the End: The Feeling I Had On Stage

In this episode Antoine begins by reminiscing about a while back when he really felt good and felt like his career was moving in a positive direction. For the rest of the entirety of the video he is working out with a former pro who is just bent on getting through an inside leg session.

I think what is important to point out is one, the reflection, and two the getting back to basics. When it comes to the spiritual life, prayer life, Lent, I think we tend to make it more complicated than it really is. Prayer, simply put, is communication with God, conversation. What does conversation consist of, speaking and listening. Some people get thrown off because there are those have the gift of  eloquent spontaneous prayer. But really, all God wants is us to be present, available, and open. Just talk to him.

In the video you see Antoine team up with these old guys who have been training for ever. They've been through the gamut and still have the passion for training. They don't do anything complicated or fancy. The warm up, feel it out, and put their legs through and intense session. Rep after rep, set after set, they train hard.

The importance of friendship, especially male friendship and mentorship, is understated in today's world. But, it is so important to partner with people who have traveled the path you are on and to learn from the wisdom they've gathered along the way. Again through hindsight, I've seen the importance of the people, men and women, who have come into my life and how much I've learned from them. I've tried to become intentional about staying in touch and calling on them in times of need and seeking advice.

"Iron is sharpened by iron, one person sharpens another" - Proverbs 27:17

Antoine talks about how for him the main struggle is going to be consistency, the day in day out struggle to continue to progress and stay on the narrow path. The same goes for our spiritual progression. We need to do concrete things daily to advance towards holiness. Not that anything we do makes us holy, but the participation in God's life, the acceptance and participation with his graces, will allow us to continue on that narrow path through the eye of the needle.

I know for me, consistency has been very hard. I've come a long way and have learned a lot about being intone with the Spirit and seeing, noticing, utilizing it's fruits. But, I strive daily to try and have a consistency that I truly desire. I want to get to bed earlier, I want to wake up earlier, I want to pray in the morning, train in the morning, pray with my wife daily, etc, etc, but it has been a struggle. And I think struggle is important. The most spiritual advice to gather from this episode is near the end when they are discussing the training session. We have to assess where we are (which I think will be a continual mantra throughout the series) and then start from there. We cannot become stagnant, struggle is important, struggle offers opportunity for growth.

"When I was a child, I used to talk as a child, think as a child, reason as a child; when I became a man, I put aside childish things." - 1 Corinthians 13: 11

This lent, I have not succeeded once in my official fast/task, but I have been progressing towards it. It is important to not get bogged down and negative on yourself if you are failing. The spiritual struggle is real and worth the fight. Continue on. We will be attacked from within and without but the goal is an enhance relationship with Christ. Fight the good fight.

At the end Antoine reflects on how good it felt for him to be on stage. Sometimes it is as simple as remembering what got us to where we are at now, and return to that. When did you first fall in love with Jesus. Where were you? What were you doing? We can't go backwards but we can get to the essentials, the basics.

Video: Play the Tape to the End: The Feeling I Had On Stage

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