I Let Her Down

Over the summer I took four trips away from my family. The first trip was out of state in another time zone for 4 days at Life Teen’s Catholic Youth Ministry Conference. My second trip was to Steubenville South for the weekend, just one state over in Louisiana. This second trip by far was the hardest homecoming. It was the first time I felt like I really let my oldest daughter down.

On my return I found out that my daughter was not the same while I was gone. She was quiet and asked where I was over and over. The day after I returned I had to go to work because I didn’t think of taking off but I went in mid-afternoon so I could stay home a while. I left when my wife was putting our oldest down for a nap which is when she started crying at the news of my departure. I couldn’t figure out if it was because of the nap, she really doesn’t like nap time, or because I was leaving. It was confirmed that it was the latter when I returned. When I got back home Elanor ran full speed and crashed into my leg, as if running into a wall, and gave me a crippling bear hug. This was great, I felt so loved. My wife proceeded to tell me that my daughter had been crying since I left.  She asked Erika, “Daddy went away?”. “Yes”, Erika answered. “He doesn’t want me,” Elanor asked. This nearly brought me to my knees. I then understood why Elanor kept saying, “I can’t believe it! I can’t believe it!” I asked her what she couldn’t believe and she said, “You came back.”

I didn’t understand how this short trip caused her to feel abandoned by me. Then I realized on my first trip I left in the afternoon so I had half a day to spend with her and then tell her goodbye. On the second trip I left really early and she was asleep. And, I don’t recall us telling her that I would be leaving. So I’m sure she woke up and all she knew was that I was gone and didn’t say goodbye. The rest of the week I did everything I could to show her how much I love her. First I sat her down and held her hands, looked her in the eyes and told her that I did want her, I love her, and that I’d always come back. I then took her out for yogurt and we played around the fountain in Town Center.

The word that has been echoing in my head since then has been “intentional”. I told Erika that we really have to be intentional when one of us has to leave for a while. We have to be intentional in letting our children know we will be leaving, we will be coming back, we do want them, and we do love them.

I’ve learned a lot about intentionality from friends of ours who have been missionaries on college campuses with FOCUS doing intentional discipleship. It is the intentional practice of building real relationships. It is the opposite of using someone, it is about building someone up, empowering the other. And that is my job as a father of two daughters, to build up and empower them.

I’m realistic. I know I will fail her many times. But from here on out I know the cost of not being intentional and I plan on not paying nor having my daughters pay the price.