Hobbits, Valiant Mice, and Extraterrestrial Squirrels Will Save the World

Over this past year it's become more and more apparent to me how truly important small actions are. Everyone talks about it, a smile, a hug, a phone call to a friend, but just like any other action it takes time, patience, will, and sometimes courage to stop, step out of your comfort zone, and do it. I know. Every now and then I see someone and get the idea to give them a compliment, go up and talk to someone alone, roll down and talk to the homeless person on the corner asking for money and I don't. But, it's such a small thing.

A year ago I resolved that instead of telling someone I'd pray for them I'd do it right then and there. Those were powerful moments. But I've swayed from that lately. There's a guy at my gym who used to just be a lifter but he has since been an employee at the front desk and he has become a trainer. He is probably one of their best employees. When he's at the front desk he greets people and tells them by. When he is training someone he is attentive and focused on that person. I see the opposite from many other employees. I've wanted to pay him a compliment for a while. I have not, even when I was workout out right next to him this past week. Why? Discomfort? What's there to lose?

Literature has grasped this. We see in stories that it is the small things that are sometimes the most powerful. Hobbits helped a band of dwarves reclaim their kingdom and quite literally save the world from evil. A brave mouse was always ready for adventure and battle and would challenge others' cowardliness and call them into the challenge at hand. An extraterrestrial squirrel held Superman at bay. Bilbo, Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin, Reepicheep, and Ch'p, all tiny in stature, but stepped up to the plate when called.

We like to quote St. Therese of Lisieux and her Little Way, but sometimes it takes great courage, discomfort, and we don't always allow those to win out. When people are asked what they regret most in life it is usually the small things, not talking to someone, not telling someone they love them, not making that phone call, etc. And yet, who knows the power these simple gestures could have wielded.

"Miss no single opportunity of making some small sacrifice, here by a smiling look, there by a kindly word; always doing the smallest right and doing it all for love." - St. Therese of Lisieux

Here are just a few things from/about a few tiny characters that have made big impacts:
Hobbits: 
"Hobbits are an unobtrusive but very ancient people, more numerous formerly than they are today; for they love peace and quiet and good tilled earth: a well-ordered and well-farmed countryside was their favourite haunt. They do not and did not understand or like machines more complicated than a forge-bellows, a water-mill, or a hand-loom, thought they were skilful with tools. Even in ancient days they were, as a rule, shy of 'the Big folk', as they call us, and now they avoid us with dismay and are becoming hard to find. They are quick of hearing and sharp-eyed, and though they are inclined to be fat and do not hurry unnecessarily, they are nonetheless nimble and deft in their movements. They possessed from the first the art of disappearing swiftly and silently, when large folk whom they do not wish to meet come blundering by; and this are they have developed until to Men it may seem magical. But Hobbits have never in fact, studied magic of any kind, and their elusiveness is due solely to a professional skill  that heredity and practice, and a  close friendship with the earth, have rendered inimitable by bigger and clumsier raced.

For they are a little people, smaller than Dwarves: less stout and stocky, that is, even when they are not actually much shorter. Their height is variable, ranging between two and four feet of our measure. They seldom now reach three feet; but they have dwindled, they say, and in ancient days they were taller. According to the Red Book, Bandobras Took (Bullroarer), son of Isengrim the Second, was four foot five and able to ride a horse." - The Fellowship of the Ring, J.R.R. Tolkien

"My Dear Frodo!" exclaimed Gandalf. "Hobbits really are amazing creatures, as I have said before. You can learn all that there is to know about their ways in a month, and yet after a hundred years they can still surprise you at a pinch." - The Fellowship of the Ring, J.R.R. Tolkien

Yes, it's not from the book but it's so good:

Reepicheep:

"There Trufflehunter called at the mouth of a little hole in a green bank and out popped the last thing Caspian

expected - a Talking Mouse. He was of course bigger than a common mouse, well over a foot high when he stood on his hind legs, and with ears nearly as long as (though broader than) a rabbit's. His name was Reepicheep and he was a gay and martial mouse. He wore a tiny little rapier at his side and twirled his long whiskers as if they were a moustache." - Prince Caspian, C.S. Lewis

"There are twelve of us, Sire" he said with a dashing and graceful bow, " and I place all the resources of my people unreservedly at your Majesty's disposal." - Reepicheep, Prince Caspian

"Sire," said Reepicheep. "My life is ever at your command but my honor is my own...Perhaps if it were your pleasure that I should be a marshal of the lists, it would content them." - Reepicheep, Prince Caspian

"I thought I heard someone laughing just now. If anyone present wishes to make me the subject of his wit, I am very much as his service - with my sword - whenever he has leisure." - Reepicheep, Prince Caspian

""Come back, Reepicheep, you little ass!" shouted Peter. "You'll only be killed. This is no place for mice." But the ridiculous little creatures were dancing in and out among the feet of both armies, jabbing with their swords. Many a Telmarine warrior that day felt his foot suddenly pierced as if by a dozen skewers, hopped on one leg cursing the pain, and fell as often as not. If he fell, the mice finished him off; if he did not, someone else did." - Prince Caspian

"If I were address peasants or slaves," he said, "I might supposed that t his suggestion proceeded from cowardice. But I hope it will never be told in Narnia that a company of noble and royal person in the flower of their age turned tail because they were afraid of the dark." (It is then mentioned that there is no practical use in entering the Dark Island) "Use? Use, Captain? If by use you mean filling our bellies or our purses, I confess it will be no use at all. So far as I know we did not set sail to look for things useful but to seek honor and adventure. And here is as great an adventure as ever I heard of, and here, if we turn back, no little impeachment of all our honors." - Reepicheep, Voyage of the Dawn Treader

"My own plans are made. While I can, I sail east in the Dawn Treader. When she fails me, I paddle east in my coracle. When she sins, I shall swim east with my four paws. And when I can swim no longer, if I have not reached Aslan's country, or shot over the edge of the world in some vast cataract, I shall sink with my nose to the sunrise and Peepiceek will be head of the talking mice in Narnia." - Reepicheep, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader

Ch'p:

Ch'p is an anthropomorphic squirrel from a planet with inhabitants of the same make up. After being imprisoned and sentenced to death by an invading army a Guardian of the Universe appeared and gave him a green power ring. After escaping and defeating the army he entered training to become a Green Lantern. Just check out this exchange between him and Superman. Vicious!

"Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love." - St. Theresa of Calcutta

Let Your Prayer Be Interruptible

I mentioned in the previous post about getting upset over not following through with my plans for the Feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe. I know I'm not the only one that does that. What I mean is sweating when we get slightly off track our perfectly planned prayer, devotion, liturgical calendar, novena, consecration life. And I've done it before, I've been asked about it, and I've asked after freaking out about it. What do I do if I missed a day? What do I do if I missed I ended a decade to early? What if I prayed too many Hail Marys? Someone needed help while I was headed to mass and I didn't know what to do? I mean come on it's one of the big 10!

One thing I've learned recently is that God, faith, prayer is simple. We over think things and make them way to complicated. We are meant for a relationship with God. How do we start, build, sustain that? Prayer. What is prayer? Conversation. What's the correct way? Whatever way works best for you. What if I forget? Make it up. What if I pray too many, too few, too short, too long? Who cares? How do I start? JUST DO IT!

We want things to be perfect. But life is messy. God knows that. He came down into our mess and lived in it. When did Jesus pray? Before things. After things. During things. But the main take home point is that he prayed. I think if our prayer life is adding stress to our life we are doing it wrong.

And in all reality sometimes life itself must become our prayer. I'm thinking of St. Therese of Liseux and her little way here. But not even that, I mean sometimes we can and should choose life, what is happening right in front of us, over our perfectly planned prayer life. Your kids barge in on your perfectly quiet prayer time. Choose them sometimes. Your spouse wants to talk when you are delving into your spiritual reading? Choose him or her. And shockingly, even the ultimate prayer, the mass, can take a back seat to life. Let me explain.

What I am about to tell you happened and I wasn't sure at the time if it was OK but it felt so right and I didn't stress over it. It wasn't until I read a book that I've referenced often that I assured I had made the right choice. One Sunday last year we went to the Sacred Heart Co-Cathedral in downtown Houston. I don't remember why but I ended up leaving mass to run to the car for something. I ran into a homeless woman on my way to the car and she was asking for money. I did not have any cash but I offered to walk with her to the Pappas BBQ across the street and get her some food. This took a good 20 minutes. 20 minutes away from mass. Let's just say Erika was pretty worried about what had happened to me. But, 20 minutes?! Was i committing a mortal sin? I honestly did not feel guilty. And thanks to St. Bernard of Clairvaux I know it was the right choice:

Who will doubt that in prayer a man is speaking with God? But how often, at the call of charity, we are drawn away, torn away, for the sake of those who need to speak to us or be helped! How often does dutiful repose yield dutifully to the uproar of business! How often is a book laid aside in good conscience that we may sweat at manual work! How often for the sake of administering worldly affairs we very rightly omit even the solemn celebration of Masses! A preposterous order; but necessity knows no law. Love in action devises its own order. - Fulfillment of All Desire: A Guidebook for the Journey to God Based on the Wisdom of the Saints

St. Bernard told his monks that he appreciated their respect for his busy schedule but he never wanted to be uninterruptible. He wanted to be on the side of love.

So yeah, my daughter getting sick ruined my plans for going to the special mass for the Feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe and the gathering after. I could have gotten upset. I could have put my family in an uncomfortable situation and brought them. I could have been a total grinch and gone by myself, "Well I'm not going to miss it!" But those plans had to be pushed aside so I could go home and love on my family. She's a mom. I'm pretty sure she approved.

Choose Joy

Fr. Mike Schmitz, chaplain for the University of Minnesota-Duluth Campus Ministry, has started a new homily series for the Advent season called "Joy to the World". The norms for Advent state that "Advent is thus a period for devout and joyful expectation." Joy! Fr. Mike says that joy is an abiding sense of well being, knowing that there is a God and he cares for me. G.K. Chesterton describes joy as the

appropriate response to being--that everything rather than nothing is. I understand this as even though we may not be happy due to unfortunate events in our lives it is still possible to be joyful because we exist, we have life, we have a God that loves us, even if the world around us (some people may say that is 2016) is falling apart and we aren't happy.

Fr. Mike points out that so many times for him and others he speaks with it is so much easier to focus on the negative. Someone may ask us how we are doing or how our weekend or break was and we immediately go to the negative, what went wrong. And I've seen that in my own life. So many times when people gather to visit, share a meal, etc they end up talking about what is going wrong, complaining, gossiping. Why? Why do we do that? We have to, we get to choose joy.

I could have done that after this weekend, or the past 5 days. If someone had asked me how this weekend was I could have focused on the negative. And there was plenty. But hindsight, through a choice for joy, I see this past weekend differently. here's how it looked.

Friday: 
Negative: After being blessed by my awesome wife in being cool with me going to the gym late because  I just really needed the release, I ended up rubbing her back and holding her hair out of the way as she was puking at 3AM Friday morning. I automatically knew that my plans for the next day were gone, most importantly I was going to miss out on my designated time for work and I had already lost a lot of work time last week. So Friday I had the girls to myself and I had to take care of Erika. I also had to take care of some errands for her that were way out of my way though I was happy to do them.

Joy: I got to spend all day with my girls, just us. I got to love on Erika and take care of her and make sure that her plans for the day weren't a total bust. That evening I brought the girls to Adore Family Dinner. For a few hours we got to surround ourselves with awesome loving people and break bread, share good drink (I brought some Pumpkinator to share) and close the night with the host family's evening Advent prayer and singing. Singles, couples, moms, dads, babies on the way, big and small families, gathered in joy.

Saturday: 
Negative: Erika still sick. Mid day I found out I needed to pick up some things I dropped off for Erika the previous day and run another errand on the way home. I also needed to pick up some supplies for a movie night I was throwing at Shrine of the True Cross that night in Dickinson from 6-9PM. I wanted to get there by at least 4 because I wanted to use the projector but I had no idea how sound would work, if the room was a good space for that, etc. On the way there, what is normally a 50 min. drive turned into an hour and forty five minute drive due to highway six being shut down. I got there at 5:30!

Joy: Another day I got to serve Erika. Even though we got to Dickinson way later, I got to take my girls

with me which actually ended up being great. No one came for the first hour so I figured the girls and I would have our own movie night. Later some teens came so we started a new movie and had a blast. The girls had so much fun watching movies, eating junk food, and being goofy. I had so much fun and was so glad some teens came. I had a great moment with a mom. She asked me how things were going, if I though it was going bad, better, or exactly how I thought. I told her it was going great. Small numbers but the fact that there are numbers in the beginning building stages that was huge. She was so relieved and expressed how she was hoping I wouldn't be discouraged. It was great to receive her care and support for what we're trying to accomplish.

Sunday: Erika on the mend. Pretty relaxed day. Elanor developed a 102 fever during mass.

Monday: 
Negative: Super late night the night before. Elanor knocked out all day. We didn't get up til noon. I was really hoping to enter enter into the feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe but couldn't. I really started to get upset about this. We missed the evening mass.

Joy: Erika was better and had a fairly good day with the girls. Adeline was actually pretty mellow. I had the largest showing of youth at our Funday Munday event thus far. Even though we did not get to do what I wanted to celebrate the day, it was a good day.

Tuesday:
Negative: Elanor developed pink eye. Both girls were not cooperative and there was tons of whining. I was done with the day by noon. I then got to work super late. I was supposed to be there by 2 to prep for my 1 on 1 Confirmation and make some calls but I didn't get in til 3:30.

Joy: My 1 on 1 was awesome! I hadn't seen this teen in a few weeks and we caught up and chatted about life. We went well over our time. I made some calls and had great responses from people wanting to help with our ministry. Erika and the girls got to talk about St. Lucy, pray, and celebrate with some cinnamon rolls. I got to end the night giving Erika a massage and getting some well needed work in while while watching The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug.

So much went wrong in the past few days. But, but, in the grand scheme of things, life is good. The glimpses of the good overshadowed the negative and I chose to enter into those realities. I choose joy. So for the rest of this season of Advent and on into Christmas and the new year, lets choose joy.

Beginning of Our New Adventure

*I wrote this back in August

So we are in the midst of our fundraising and on the cusp of starting our mission at Shrine of the True Cross

in Dickinson, TX. It's been a trying and busy time for us. We're a little nervous since I've received my last paycheck. But, we're still at peace and excited to start this new chapter, this new adventure in our lives.

I do have to say though, fundraising has been fun. I did not expect that. I worked at a nonprofit that lived on people's support, but I had no part in development. But, I did learn something about development/fundraising: If you really believe in what you are doing, you should have no shame in asking for support for it. Now that's true, but that doesn't take the butterflies away, especially in your first few meetings. But I have to say my favorite things are sharing our passion for what we are starting and how we got here, and getting to be with people. We get to sit down with friends, acquaintances, old employers, etc, catch up, break bread, share coffee, share life together. Whether the person tells us yes they will support us and sign up on the spot or they tell us no because they don't believe in giving to church things, we get to spend time with people we love.

I do have to admit though, that there was a moment when I thought, "I'm asking people for money. I'm asking people for money to help my family live while other people are working 9 to 5s to earn that same money. Is this right?" But the reality is, I'm doing something that others aren't. I'm doing something that others aren't willing to do. The ministry I'll be doing isn't my job. Well, yeah it is, but I get to do my passion so it doesn't feel like one. Yet, my mission isn't what puts food on the table. The fundraising is what puts food on the table. The support from people that truly believe in what we are doing is what puts food on the table and eventually a roof over our heads. My job, is fundraising. My job is telling people about how we are dedicating our lives to doing something that others won't do and that they can join us in that by helping us live so we can do that.

But in reality, it isn't only monetary support that we are gaining. The blessings and wisdom I/we have received has been surprising. We've made connections with people through others, we've had people telling us that they are willing to help in multiple ways, we've even had people go out of their way to bless us in pretty large ways that are not monetary.

It's definitely a humbling experience. It's a lesson in patience. It's a training field for working. Someone told me they couldn't imagine fundraising for a family of 4. I said, "Neither can I!" So here we go!

Nice, France, Happens Daily Sans Truck

*I originally wrote this back in July.

I was talking with Erika about whether the world is getting worse or does it seem worse because of all the media and everyone having cameras so everything gets caught. I personally think it's a little of both with more of the reason behind the possible media exposure. And with the media exposure sometimes some events get more attention than others and people get upset over that, "Well you supported 'Pray for X' why not 'Pray for Y'".

All of these events and the loss of life deserves attention and our prayers. But I think there's a danger in these events becoming a distraction from what is right in front of us. All of a sudden what is wrong with the world is "over there", "those people", "that country" has problems. And some of those notions are understandable. Bombs aren't going on everywhere and people aren't being run over by trucks everywhere. It's shocking. But, it's that subtle "Hey look over there" that can allow things nearby to fall apart.

I'm so excited for our new journey with Adore Ministries because we focus on the right here and right now. We focus on the people around us. We put value in the time spent with the person right in front of us, in our home, in our neighborhood, in our schools and community.

I bring this up because an advantage of being in ministry is you get to see behind the white picket fences, behind the house walls, and see what Screwtape likes to take people's attention from and cause non action and what moving trucks are reeking havoc in our lives. This past week I was at Life Teen Camp Covecrest with some teens we brought. It is here, at the one location at camp where you can catch wifi, while checking Instagram that I found out about Nice. It was a great week as always. But something happened on our last day that broke my heart. They brought up some teens to share what they had experienced during the week. Teens shared how they met God for the first time, how they were able to get back on track with the prayer, etc. But one girl particularly made me think. She shared how about a year ago she was at camp and had a great experience. Yet, during the school year someone bought a bottle of Tylenol, brought it to school, gave it to her, and told her she should swallow the whole bottle. She did. That night she was brought to the hospital. She survived. This week, she needed God to show up. He did, and she built a new community that week to go home with and knows now that she does not need to be controlled by others that obviously don't love her.

No bombs, no moving trucks, no police violence, but look at the ways we destroy the people around us. Sarcasm, ignoring the lonely, not forgiving, not spending time, gossip, being judgemental, holding grudges, tearing each other down, etc. They aren't quick kills, but they only lead to death, nothing else. Maybe not always death of the body but definitely death of the spirit of a person.

So yes, let's pay attention to what is going on in the world around us. But, don't forget to take care of those around us. And as we examine how we got to bombs, trucks, and police shootings, let's examine ourselves to see how we are loving or not.

Sing Like You Think No One's Listening

In my journey to be unashamed of my faith and for all of my answers to God's calling me into uncomfortable situations to grow me and use me, I'm seeking to live unhinged, joy-filled, untamed like the Lion Aslan. I mentioned before that I consecrated myself and He took it seriously. I prayed to dedicate myself. Now I pray to live in the present intentionally to listen to his call. He answers those prayers. He's the one who told us to ask, seek, and knock, but I don't think we always take him seriously.

Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives; and the one who seeks, finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened. - Matthew 7:7-8

One of my favorite songs from Straylight Run has this chorus and bridge:

Sing like you think no one's listening,

You would kill for this,

Just a little bit,

Just a little bit,

You would, you would... 

Sing me something soft,

Sad and delicate,

or loud and out of key,

Sing me anything,

we're glad for what we've got,

Done with what we've lost

Our whole lives laid out right in front of us...

Now this song has it's own meaning but for me lately it's all been about prayer and God's reaching out to us telling us how much He wants to hear from us. I know that everyone wishes they could live out who they truly are and not be afraid of judgement. We wish we could sing out loud, dance in public, express ourselves in our own way, dress, look, speak, act how we truly can and are. But, we succumb to self consciousness and worry about what others might think. We even worry about how God might think about us. Yet, He has His arms wide open ready to pour His love and graces into our lives.

To me He's asking us to give him anything, give him everything, the good, the bad, the ugly. It doesn't have to be pretty. Just like our singing when worship leaders say that if He gave you a terrible voice, give it right back to him in singing. St. Augustine said that singing is like praying twice. He wants us. He wants and will start healing us with anything, He just wants us to let Him in.

We like to talk about the mustard seed, the coin the old woman gives, the young boy that had only so much fish, but I don't think we believe it is good enough in reality. We want to be perfect first. We call people hypocrites who go to church and are liars, cheats, adulterers, addicts, sinners, yet that is exactly where they...we need to be. Jesus said He came for the sick. The Church is not a country club for people to come in and gloat about how they have everything together. It is a battlefield hospital for the wounded, confused, the lost, disgusting, the sinner.

Even now during worship I worry about who's watching. I get nervous about acting out my worship with my body, "Should I open my hands, how bout put my arms up". Honestly, sometimes I want to be throwing my arms and dreads around. Who cares what others think (well obviously I do). This is not for them, it's for God. But then I make it all about me and not God. In Bishop Fulton Sheen's book "The Seven Last Words" he recounts a story when Jesus appears to St. Jerome and asks him what he will give him:
Jerome answered, "I will give You my writings," to which Our Lord replied that it was not enough. "Then," said Jerome, "what shall I give You? My life of penance and mortification?" But the answer was, "Even that is not enough!" "What have I left to give you?" cried Jerome. Our Blessed Lord answered, "Jerome, you can give Me your sins." He tells Jerome to give Him the worst of him so that he can then be free, which is what he came and died for.

In those moments of life, or worship, of just being I'll try, and I encourage you, to sing like no one is listening or watching, although, He is. I mean it's for Him anyway, right?

God is Holding a Pistol to My Head

Ok that title was a little dramatic. I manipulated a quote from Innocent Smith of G.K. Chesterton's
Manalive:

“I am going to hold a pistol to the head of the Modern Man. But I shall not use it to kill him–only to bring him to life.” 

 Let me explain. Innocent Smith is Chesterton's Mary Poppins. He appears in people's lives and instead of reprimanding them and singing them into living a happy life he pulls guns on people and puts them in incredibly uncomfortable situations to call them to live fully alive, as St. Irenaeus would put it.

In this past week's spiritual direction session my director pointed something out to me that truly opened my eyes. So, I had admitted in our first session that I want to be unashamed and able to share the reason for my joy and who provides it for me with anyone. Yet, I still hold on to some control of who I share with. But she pointed out, like many people say, that if you ask for a gift he will put you in situations for you to use it and grow. She also pointed out my consecration bracelet and the fact that I wear a scapular. Both devotions are all about giving EVERYTHING to God and allowing him to use me as he pleases. She pointed out that he takes those requests seriously!

Since becoming a missionary, since my last session, due to hindsight, I've seen so much spiritual growth in my self. I have shared with people that it took us becoming missionaries for me and Erika to start doing things we've been trying to do as a couple for almost 9 years. We sit down every time we get paid to work out our budget for the month. We have picked a set day of the week to check in and see how each other is doing mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally. But the most growth I've seen has been in my comfort level with other people.

I'm naturally an introvert (INFP if you care to know) and many times in my life I have allowed that to be an excuse to get out of situations, to not go places, to not talk to people. But, as a missionary, I survive through people's generosity and believing in us as a family and our mission. So, I have to meet with people to share our mission and our joy for it and invite them along for the journey. Translation: I have to talk with strangers, people I barely know, go into their homes, go out for coffee or a meal, and get to know them and share my story. This has never been my thing. This is uncomfortable. This is inconvenient. Yet, i have grown to truly enjoy this and look forward to all of these meetings.

Also, in our new mission at Shrine of the True Cross, I have to start knowing the people, the families, the youth, and my co workers. Although this is an integral part of ministry they always make me nervous and self conscious. Sometimes they still do, but as I mentioned in a previous post, I ask God to give me the courage and to be present in the appointments he assigns. Heck, I'm still sometimes nervous with the youth. One morning I introduced myself to the school body at the church school and then figured it would be a waste not to visit the middle school students at lunch. So, I wasted 10 minutes of their lunch being nervous in my office, then walked over to the school building (I took the longest route), then wasted another five minutes in the hall way acting like I was doing something on my phone. When I finally worked up the courage to walk into the cafeteria and talk to the students they told me they thought I was playing Pokemon Go. But, I had a blast and they were totally welcoming.

I consecrated myself to God through two different devotions, and have renewed one annually since. He took that seriously. My spiritual director pointed that out and that He has been putting me in situations and I have been saying either "yes" or "no". My prayer is to one day have "yes" be my only answer.

If Christ is Lord of Heaven and Earth, Why Do I Keep from Singing?

The hymn goes,

Since Christ is Lord of heaven and earth, how can I keep from singing?

But, I think I've been living my life by re-writing the hymn to,

If Christ is Lord of heaven and earth, why do I keep from singing? 

The first question my new spiritual director asked me in our first session a couple months ago was, "What kind of person do you want to be?" My answer was to be the type of person that is filled with such joy and is not afraid nor ashamed to share the source of that joy with anyone. I always think of a gym member at my gym, Jerry, Brother Jerry. Jerry is a big powerful older man that talks to everyone, loves on everyone, and has no fear of sharing his joy and his faith in God, whether he knows them or not. He even prayed over me in a squat rack after I told him about my family's new adventure in life as a missionary family, right there, smack dab in the middle of the gym. It was awesome! But, I'm not living like that.

My problem: control. Man, here I was thinking I put all my trust in Christ, thinking I had fully stepped out of the boat becoming a missionary with Adore Ministries. I was doing great! But, I have not relinquished all control, not by any measure. I want to be able to share my faith with anyone unashamed, but I still dictate who, when, and where that is. "I'll talk with him, and him, but oh not with him," not necessarily because of who a person is but more out of my being self conscious. I say I want God to use me, but when he points me in a direction, I still have the ability to say "Nope, uh uh."

I do this in my day to day when I feel called to speak to a random person, give someone a compliment, or even in my family when I feel like something is up with someone or even if I'm drawn to say the simplest things like "Hey" or "Good morning". I just shrug or laugh things off when a conversation gets inappropriate, but I'm the guy who "jumped out the boat".

Over the past two months my director asked me to do a couple things. First I was told to meditate on the cross and Jesus' passion. He went through that to draw me closer to him, how come I can't go through a little discomfort to draw others to Him. I picked up a recommendation, Bishop Fulton Sheen's "The Seven Last Words" to help with my meditation. Then I was told to ask God to put me in situations that would allow me to grow and maybe to even get something to remind me of that. So, I went and purchased a St. Raphael medal. He's the patron saint of divine appointments.

My spiritual director is new. I had no reason to leave my old one but as life was going through changes she popped into my head and heart. But life happened in a way that lead to choosing my new one, and I regret nothing. The way it happened is rather odd. I told my former director that even though we'd eventually be moving to a new town where my mission would be I'd still drive the 30-45 minutes to see him. I don't know what happened but he ended up taking me off of his schedule. It became difficult to get back with him so I took that as a sign to move on. I had previously spoken with my current director telling her that I had no reason to switch but that she popped into my head and I asked her if she had a policy against directing men and to pray about if she'd feel open to directing me since we previously worked together. I grew so much through her before she was my director, and this new journey with her is no cake walk and I sure am being challenged.

I plan on continuing to share this journey here.

This post was inspired while playing Audrey Assad's album "Inheritance" and listening to "How Can I Keep from Singing" on our drive to Louisiana for Thanksgiving. Give it a listen and get a copy, or 10, and give them out for Christmas.

Come Further In! Come Further Up!: Aslan and My First Day of Advent

(Written last night after mass.)

Today is the first day of Advent...HAPPY NEW YEAR! I went to 7:30PM mass by myself at the Chapel of St. Basil at the University of St. Thomas. Adeline had been feeling bad off and on throughout the day so Erika went at 5:00 with Elanor and then I went. It really is a blessing, those times when we are either able to go just the two of us, Erika and I, or by ourselves. It's just so much easier to really enter into the mass when we aren't wrangling the girls.

Mass was going great. It's our favorite place to go to mass, the readings were powerful, Fr. Michael Buentello was on point with his homily as always, and then things got intense. During the Agnus Dei I started thinking about Aslan and I almost broke down crying.

Let me explain. We have been reading the Chronicles of Narnia to the girls for the past few months. We are currently on The Last Battle. I've been waiting to read this book (I have never read all of the books before) especially because Fr. Mike Schmitz has mentioned it in his homilies. In his recent series he is talking about being homesick for heaven, our true home.  His homilies and these images have really been impactful for me especially wanting to take Fr.'s advice in becoming homesick. But really, the Aslan character has always been a powerful image to me. But the idea of him combined with our arrival to heaven has been a very penetrating thought. Near the end of the book Aslan beckons the creatures and the children to follow him: "He turned swiftly round, crouched lower, lashed himself with his tail and shot away like a golden arrow. "Come further in! Come further up!" he shouted over his shoulder." They don't think they can keep us so they start walking in the same direction. But, at one point the unicorn starts to run. The rest of them run also but they are able to keep up.

""I have come home at last! This is my real country! I belong here. This is the land I have been looking for all my life, though I never knew it till now. The reason why we loved the old Narnia is that it sometimes looked like this. Bree-hee-hee! Come further up, come further in."

He shook his mane and sprang forward into a great gallop-a Unicorn's gallop, which, in our world, would have carried him out of sight in a few moments. But now a most strange thing happened. Everyone else began to run, and they found, to their astonishment, that they could keep up with him: not only the Dogs and the humans but even fat little Puzzle and short-legged Poggin the Dwarf. The air flew in their faces as if they were driving fast in a car without a windscreen. The country flew past as if they were seeing it from the windows of an express train. Faster and faster they raced, but no one go hot or tired or out of breath."

It was during the Agnus Dei that I thought of this scene and Aslan saying "Come further in! Come further up!" I started to cry, but these weren't tears of sadness, they were tears of thanks and a moment of being grateful in a moment of intimacy. From that point all the way up to after receiving Jesus in the Eucharist (I was trying to keep from crying the whole way up the aisle and back) and getting back to my pew I was in this state. It wasn't until this point where I could connect the dots of the entirety of the mass and my experience. In this beginning of Advent we are being asked to do just what Aslan beckoned, "Come further in! Come further up?" We are being asked to enter this season and to journey to Christ's coming.

The readings point us to Jesus coming and ruling the nations where, "They shall beat their swords into plowshares and their spears into pruning hooks; on nation shall not raise the sword against another, nor shall they train for war again," PEACE. The response to the psalm, "Let us go rejoicing to the house of the Lord." And Jesus reminds us in the Gospel that what happens in the first reading is coming. Jesus is coming, and we should be prepping, we should be ready.

So for me, my theme for this Advent will be "Come further in! Come further up!", hoping that I'll be drawn

into the great reality of Jesus being born into the world. He came to be the light and show us the way. This way is treacherous and beautiful. Most of the time we want it but when it is shown to us it can be daunting. In The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, as they approach the Dark Island the crew decides that they won't go into the darkness. Reepicheep speaks up, "And why not?" No one answers so he does so:

""If I were addressing peasants or slaves," he said, "I might suppose that this suggestion proceeded from cowardice. But I hope it will never be told in Narnia that  company of noble and royal person in the flower of their age turned tail because they were afraid of the dark."" -

 It is then mentioned that their is not practical use in entering. Reepicheep answers,

"Use? Use, Captain? If by use you mean filling our bellies or our purses, I confess it will be no use at all. So far as I know we did not set sail to look for things useful but to seek honor and adventure. And here is as great an adventure as ever I heard of, and here, if we turn back, no little impeachment of all our honors."

It's at this point that Lucy stands for us all. She would rather not go on into the darkness but she answers, "I'm game." Well for this Advent, I'm game. Further in! Further up!

Picking Funerals

Carl the Cuck Slayer VS. Van Jones

This video expresses everything I've been thinking and trying to articulate in conversations. I personally think our biggest problem is that people can't get outside their own head, outside their own house, neighborhood, town, experience, and try to see other people's point of view. "Why do you feel that way?" "Why do you think that?" No, people want an immediate reaction and tell people that they should look, act, speak, think like them. I do not believe a man needs to walk in another man's shoes. I think we are capable enough to stop and try to sympathize and empathize with others. Here are just a few thoughts of mine on things the video brings up and thoughts of my own:

1. In reality people want to make sure sides are taken and defend those sides to the death. And because of this need to defend and win people don't stay on topic. You want to talk about slavery, they need to mention Republicans freed the slaves. You want to talk about police brutality towards blacks, they want to talk about black on black crime. These are both important topics, but they are different, and we should be able to focus on one without bringing up another. You want to talk about black lives mattering they want to talk about all lives mattering. Well of course all lives matter, again, two different topics. Stick to the topic at hand. Stop trying to be the nice guy and allow a discussion to happen. And news channels and people on social media like to cherry pick people of color that may disagree with protest tactics or groups, "Look, I found one on our side!", yet that doesn't change the fact that there is a problem.

2. What bothers me the most is while we are on our sides we also choose who is worthy of mourning. This even comes down to our churches. I've seen plenty of churches putting up blue ribbons in support of the police. This is good and just. Yet, I have yet to hear about the lives of those killed by police officers in the local churches I've been to lately. Our churches are picking funerals. Our churches are picking sides.

3. People on the right/conservatives want to use science and numbers when it is advantageous to them but when it isn't they brush it off or don't use it to it's fullest extent (both left and right do this). Want to talk abortion? Lets look at the science. It is murder. Want to talk numbers/stats, lets take them as plain as possible. I am not a statistician, but I believe that when you are comparing two groups of numbers/populations, the real impact lies in the total number and the percentage of impact to the whole (I hope that made sense. It does in my head.) So if you have a group of 10 and 9 are affected, then you have a group of 100 and 20 are affected, obviously more were affected in the group of 100, but the group of 10 as a whole was more impacted by the loss of the 9.

4. One last thing, history. We are a country of people that once owned and abused other people, stole this land from those who were already here, wait stay on topic. But, when people want to talk about, teach about, discuss the past people, especially the right, like to brush it off and say we are a post racial country. The days of oppression and slavery are not so long ago. As Van Jones points out, he is the first generation to be born with all of his rights. I have family that lived through and experienced abuses during the civil rights times. I have personally experienced racism in my short life so far. One experience that sticks out is not being served in a little town called Tiger, GA. I've been around white folks who talk about blacks or other minorities in a derogatory way because they don't realize what I am so they feel it's safe because none of "them" are around. Do I think they are going to pitch a burning cross in my yard, no, but let's not say we're post racial now.

So in my opinion I agree with Van Jones, it is not all Pres. Obama's fault our country is more racially divided. A reality has been brought to light, it makes people uncomfortable, and they need someone to blame...off topic. What needs to happen is what happens in this video. Discussion. Taking the time. I think this interview was meant to be a sting/trap but it turned out, in my opinion, beautifully. This is beautiful and possible. I've experienced it with people I've spoken with. The problem is we surround ourselves with people who think exactly like us so we don't get challenged. Let's stop trying to win arguments, trying to post the most clever rebuttal in meme form, and actually have discussion. Or maybe not say or write anything at all until we've tried to digest a situation.

 I'm not perfect. But I know the kind of world I want my family to be in. I want to be able to go out at night without my wife worrying about my safety. I want to be able to clean  a friend's gym without my wife worrying about neighbors seeing the guy with dreads and calling police or taking charge. I want my girls to be able to have friendships and not have to worry about being treated based on what they look like whether this is based on their skin, hair, how they talk, or clothes. We live in an amazing country. How did we get here? It was never perfect. People took the time. Let's take the time.

I Have a Good Father

What father among you would hand his son a snake when he asks for a fish? Or hand him a scorpion when he asks for an egg? If you then, who are wicked, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will the Father in heaven give the holy Spirit to those who ask him? - Luke 11:11-13

I have a good father. But, I have not always appreciated nor shown my appreciation. I could go way back and talk about the things my father has done for me, but when you're that young you don't really notice or give much attention to them because you're little and it's what parents are supposed to do. But, when you get older, you figure well, for the most part them doing things to take care of you will mostly taper off. Not in my experience.

One of the biggest areas where my father has assisted me and my family has been in our cars (we've also lived with them for a while but this is about the cars). First of all, one of the cars I have now he purchased when I was in college without even telling me. I walked out and there it was. I was really confused. But since then, they've even supplied us with another car. When Erika's car went ca-put my father ended up turning his car over to her. He is a good father.

My father is a very diligent person and pays attention to detail. He takes care of the things he owns, especially his cars. I've learned a lot about cars from him. There have been times when something needed fixing or replacing on one of our cars and I'd know about it and plan to take care of it later, fix it later, save up for it, but my father would come in and purchase or fix what needed to be fixed without even telling me. At times this made me mad. Sometimes I wanted him to show me how/walk me through a process but he'd fix it without me. Other times I just felt like he was stepping in and not allowing me to be the man and take care of my things (seriously, how immature). But he is a good father.

My father is the kind of person that will bend over backwards for others. This is a little off topic, but he is always willing to lend a helping hand to others. Whether it be neighbors, people stuck on the side of the rode (my mom always fussed at him for that), or especially family. He and my mom are always going back and forth taking my grandmas to their doctor appointments, fixing things around the house, etc. On most Saturdays my father is working on Habitat for Humanity houses. Most recently, two Mondays ago, I was going to pick Erika up from the airport and my parents were watching the girls. I stopped to watch a one day event of the new Batman: The Killing Joke movie. As I left to pick up Erika, my car wouldn't start. I called me father to pick his brain about what it might be. In the end he was offering to drive all the way out to check it out or even pick Erika up. I'm talking 9/10:00 at night, 45 minutes away from home. I got a tow truck and he got it started by tapping on the starter so he didn't have to come out. I have a good father.

Back to our cars, both needed new tires. I knew the Honda needed them but I didn't realize how bad. And the Oldsmobile needed them. My father had already told me it needed them. A couple weeks ago we got the Honda tires replaced as well as a new alignment. I was planning on taking care of the Olds in the next couple weeks. But, one morning my father comes in my room and asks if he can take it to put tint on the windows. I was so groggy but I eventually understood what he was asking. How do you say no to that? But, then, a day later I walk outside...brand new tires! I was on my way to work so I texted my father asking if he had replaced the tires and this was his response:

"Life time alignment, two tires planned but had to buy a third because a nail was in a non repairable area. Car will need battery soon. Ordered new front rotors and brake pads. Was waiting to talk later."

What? Are you kidding me?! Honestly, this is a Godsend due to our next adventure in life as a missionary family. And, we're in the midst of fundraising which is going slow so this is a huge financial burden off our back, especially after taking care of the other car.

I know some will think I'm gloating. I know some will think I'm spoiled...maybe. I don't come from a lot of money. We aren't wealthy. I had a father who is smart and is a hard worker, doesn't talk much, but shows his abundance of love by serving. And I know I'm mainly talking about material things. Trust me, there is a ton more I could mention about how my father would spend tons of time with us after a few weeks offshore, how he took us all on fishing trips individually, how he wrote me letters over the years apologizing for all the time he spent away offshore when we were younger. But, honestly, that time away was never really a big factor because of the love he poured on us when he was home. I choose to mention these more recent things because these are things he doesn't have to do but chooses to do. These things I don't expect him to do. And I'm not saying that if other fathers don't do this, they aren't good fathers. Some aren't able to and some raise their kids differently. But, this is how my father serves. So yeah, maybe he does take away from me having to pay for or fix something (that's not the intention and is that really something to complain about), but I am being loved and given many lessons on how to love my wife, my children, and those around me. I have a good father who truly mirrors my good good Father in heaven. I hope I can do the same.

Joy Abounds...Just Not In Caves

This past week at our church vacation bible school was going on. Elanor, our oldest went all week and had a blast. This year's theme was Cave Quest. Because of the theme I figured hey lets go to a real cave. So, I took the girls to Natural Bridge Caverns.

I was so excited for this day trip. We went when we were young and I loved it. The formations of stalagmites and stalactites are dreamlike. It's hard to believe that there aren't any dwarves, trolls, or fairies living down there.

Everything seemed OK at the time. The girls were in a good mood and ready to go. We got in line to get the rules for going through the cave and the girls were climbing all over the stone wall we lined up by. As we made our way to the cave entrance you could feel the temperature getting cooler and cooler. Then we entered. I was not prepared.

This picture explains our trip under ground.

I know Elanor does not like the dark. This did not cross my mind as a factor in going to the cave. There were lights. I was with her. Well for the whole 70 minute tour Elanor complained about being scared, she did not like the cave, her feet hurt, she was hungry, and the water from the ceiling of the cave kept dropping on her. I kept calling her attention to the formations but nope, they weren't cool. Adeline on the other hand was enthralled with the railing she got to hold onto while on the path. But to top it off, as soon as we exited the cave, with a quarter mile left, Elanor had to pee. Oh man did she have to pee! Getting back to the visitor center for the restroom was torture.

As we finally got back into the car we started to make our way to the Gristmill to meet some friends
for dinner. What I didn't know was my friend had a previous engagement soon so there was not much time. As we parked and made our way there it turned out there was an hour wait for a table. I didn't think anything of it. I made it there, put my name down, found an open area, and the girls were playing. To my dismay my friend called to remind me about how they were pressed for time. They suggested another place so I gathered the girls, made my way back to the car, got the girls in the car, and found our way to the next stop, Newk's. We made our way inside and it was a whole new experience.

The girls were running around acting cute and goofy. They were so excited to see the Glaze's and baby Lily. They were on cloud 9. We ordered our food, got to our booth, and they climbed, jumped, giggled, and entertained. The girls were in heaven. Lily allowed us to bask in her cuteness. I got to catch up with my friends on their new adventure in a new home and new job. And after they left, we ended up ordering MORE food because the girls were still hungry. Elanor ate her whole kid sized pizza and half of the full sized pizza we ordered. I guess the cave took a lot out of her. And during this whole time they continued to jump, climb, and wrestle in our booth.

I had made plans to give them a great adventure in the cave, which failed. But joy was found elsewhere, among friends while breaking bread. We got back home after midnight and I got the girls to bed. That 6 hour round trip mainly for the caves was all worth it for the 30 minutes with friends, laughter, and food.

Check out my friends' YouTube channel: That Catholic Couple

Tolkien, Fiction, and a Willingness to Subdue Belief

I finally finished the biography I've been reading on J.R.R. Tolkien. It was a great read and Tolkien continues to be a fascinating person to me. I would love to have been a fly on the wall eavesdropping on the Inklings gatherings.

Tolkien coined the word "sub-creator". What he meant by this term is a person, an author, poet, writer, that has the ability to create such a world that it can be believe to be true and real. This world is a realm you can truly enter. Here's an excerpt from the biography:

"'What really happens', he wrote, 'is that the story-maker proves a successful "sub-creator". He makes a Secondary World which your mind can enter. Inside it, what he relates is "true": it accords with the laws of that world. you therefore believe it, while you are, as it were, inside. The moment disbelief arises, the spell is broken; the magic, or rather art, has failed. You are then out in the Primary World again, looking at the little abortive Secondary World from outside'...
'Every writer making a secondary world,' he declared, 'wishes in some measure to be a real maker, or hopes that he is drawing on reality: hopes that the peculiar quality of this secondary world (if not all the details) are derived from Reality, or are flowing into it.'" - Humphrey Carpenter, J.R.R. Tolkien: A Biography

The ability of the reader to enter into this secondary world is "the willing suspension of disbelief". I've actually come across Tolkien's "Sub-creator/sub-creation" before in a philosophy class I took on Tolkien. But, it wasn't until finishing this biography that I began to see a connection with faith.

As the truth about reality-about God, the world, and ourselves-is communicated to us in a wide variety of ways, we experience a progressive transformation. We not only think differently and act differently, but we actually begin to desire and feel differently. As we take on the "mind of Christ" we also take on His desires and participate in the dynamics of His active love. - Ralph Martin, The Fulfillment of All Desire: A Guidebook for the journey to God Based on the Wisdom of the Saints

Quite naturally everyone develops their own world view based on their upbringing, culture, religion, politics, entertainment, etc. But, as Christians, to best live out our call to holiness is to try to see the world through God's eyes. We are to strive to conform our wills to His. This makes me think of the Gifts of the Holy Spirit : wisdom, counsel, knowledge, piety, understanding, fortitude, fear of the Lord.

These gifts allow us to suspend our flawed world view and conform it to His to better live this life and spread and defend the faith. Fear of the Lord (awe and wonder) allows us to truly see our relationship to God, he is God and we aren't God. This is not a fear of punishment but a fear of ruining a relationship, the fear of creating a chasm between us and him. This leads to wisdom. Wisdom allows us to take the high ground as in chess or war, to get an eagle eye view of the spiritual realm of the world. Through this we come to see what is owed to God, praise and thanksgiving. Piety allows us to give him that which he is owed. By taking this position of praise and thanksgiving it humbles us to look to God and his Church for knowledge and understanding of things in the spiritual realm. Counsel allows us to used the knowledge and understanding we have to then realize and choose the right, true, and good in situations. Finally, fortitude allows us to then act when it isn't easy.

When reading fiction that gives us worlds we can truly enter we are willing to suspend our disbelief and abide by the rules and laws of these worlds. Works like The Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter give us such terrain. We come to understand that magic, wizards, hobbits, elves, house elves, dwarves, dragons, ents, aurors, dementors, orcs, and balrogs, rings of power, horcruxes, and a dark lord truly exist. There truly is a wizarding world, Lothlorien, Azkaban, Rivendell, The Ministry of Magic, the Forbidden Forest, Mirkwood, The Shire, Hogwarts, Gondor, Mordor, and Mount Doom, and we know how to get there.

As we come to see this world as it truly is, through the eyes of it's Creator, we see that there is more to it than meets the eye, the seen and unseen. We are more than just creatures, we are adopted sons and daughters. God is more than a creator and clock maker, he is a bridegroom inviting us, his bride, to his wedding feast. There is a heaven, a hell, virtues, vices, graces, angels and demons, and there is a narrow path that is not easy but must be taken. Jesus came to live amongst us and die for our sins so that we could be with him in heaven for eternity. He left behind a Church and the Holy Spirit to help guide us.

If we have a willingness to suspend our belief that there is no rhyme or reason, that there is no purpose to our existence, that we become tree food at the end of our life and that's it, then we will be able to truly journey through this life because a journey has a destination.

Do not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that you may prove what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. - Romans 12:2

I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me. - John 14:6

Hear, O Israel! The Lord is our God, the Lord alone! Therefore, you shall love the Lord your God with your whole heart, and with your whole being, and with your whole strength. Take to heart these words which I command you today. Keep repeating them to your children. Recite them when you are at home and when you are away, when you lie down and when you get up. Bind them on your arm as a sign and let them be as a pendant on your forehead. Write them on the doorposts of your houses and on your gates." - Deuteronomy 6:1-9

Here's a great video from Bishop Robert Barron on Confirmation and The Gifts of the Holy Spirit

Bishop Barron on Lord of the Rings: Part 1

Bishop Barron on Lord of the Rings: Part 2

There's Nothing New Under the Sun - But Did You Love?

It's kind of exhausting, the world we live in, where society is all about attention seeking and everyone narcissistically trying to 'be different". No one wants to look like everyone else but in turn looks like everyone they surround themselves with. In the age of social media everyone feels like they have to one up someone else because everyone else is living a better, happier, more exciting life. Everyone wants to become famous because that means they've made it, all eyes are looking on them.

Like I mentioned in a previous post I'm reading a biography about J.R.R Tolkien. In a short passage
it talks about how a man who has so impacted the world of literature and the imaginations of generations who lead what seems to be a simple boring life:

And after this you might say, nothing else really happened. Tolkien came back to Oxford, was Rawlinson and Bosworth Professor of English Language and Literature, went to live in a conventional Oxford suburb where he spent the first part of his retirement, moved to a nondescript seaside resort, came back to Oxford after his wife died, and himself died a peaceful death at the age of eighty-one. it was the ordinary unremarkable life led by countless other scholars; a life of academic brilliance, certainly, but only in a very narrow professional field that is really of little interest to laymen. And that would be that - apart from the strange fact that during these years when 'nothing happened' he wrote two books which have become world best-sellers, books that have captured the imagination and influenced the thinking of several million readers. It is a strange paradox, the fact that The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings are the work of an obscure Oxford Professor whose specialization was the West Midland dialect of Middle English, and who lived an ordinary suburban life bringing up his children and tending his garden.

The following paragraph bears a great question:

Or is it? Is not the opposite precisely true? Should we not wonder instead at the fact that a mind of such brilliance and imagination should be happy to be contained in the petty routine of academic and domestic life; that man whose soul longed for the sound of the waves breaking against the Cornish coast should be content to talk to old ladies in the lounge of a hotel at a middle-class watering-place; that a poet in whom joy leapt up at the sight and smell of logs crackling in the grate of a country inn should be willing to sit in front of his own hearth warmed by an electric fire with simulated glowing coal? What do we make of that?

In the end, when death is on our doorstep, it's not about how we look or the things we've accumulated. It's about how we lived, how we spent our time. This man loved his wife beyond measure. In his first quest story and the center of The Silmarillion the two main lovers, Beren and Luthien, are in fact Tolkien and his wife, Edith. The story was inspired by a time the took a walk in some woods and he recalls, "Her hair was raven, her skin clear, her eyes bright, and she could sing - and dance." In a letter Tolkien wrote to his son 50 years after Edith's death he said, "She was (and knew she was) my Luthien."

I think the most powerful thing is not that Tolkien made his wife into a key character, not that he had Luthien written on her gravestone, not that she was Luthien, but that she KNEW she was his Luthien. Who cares what you look like, or what you have, or if you stand out. There's nothing new under the sun. This is coming from a guy with dreads and a beard (those aren't new, they've just been made trendy). How have you loved? Do the people in your life know they are loved?



Updated:
Watch Bishop Barron's video on The Great Divorce:
Bishop Barron on C.S. Lewis' "The Great Divorce"
In C.S. Lewis' The Great Divorce the narrator sees a great procession with a woman being praised and honored at the front. He thinks to himself that this must be Mary, the Mother of God, the Queen of Heaven. His guide tells him no, that Sarah Smith. She was a woman on earth of no great stature. She was an ordinary woman. She ran a boarding house. The people she met became part of her family and she even cared for animals. Yet, as Bishop Barron says, "In the eyes of heaven she's honored to the nth degree."

Rant from a Millennial

I’m tired of all this complaining about millennials. Maybe I’m just surrounded by great people from my generation (and I am) but I don’t know any of these complaining millennials everyone complains about expecting everything to be given to them. I know they exist but every generation has these types of people. The people I do know and the things I do see and hear constantly are people in older generations constantly doing the complaining. They’re the ones writing the articles and blogs and they are the talking heads on TV and radio that complain and moan.

It’s all a circle. The older generations complain that the younger generations aren’t exactly like them so something’s wrong. I read an article about how people are not happy with a statue put up in our town of two young girls taking a selfie. Among other statues the point is to have statues that reflect what normally happens in that area of town, Town Center. One lady commented “This is why we hate the younger generation.” Wow, strong words! Hate?  I think the amount that people are bothered by this statue is more of a reflection on some of the people in the community and not on the statue. Once someone leaves one age group they forget they were probably the same way and have a down casting eye instead of an eye and heart that says, “Let me lead them to something greater.” I  know people my age who have done this, they are older now and complain about the younger, as if things/they have changed that much.

(I just read in a biography on J. R. R. Tolkien that he recalls a memory while being sick with pneumonia and his grandfather was staying with them. He remembers him, " standing by my bedside, a tall thin black-clad figure, and looking at me and speaking to me in contempt-to the effect that I and my generation were degenerate weaklings." This was in 1923.)

I don’t think people stop and realize that SOMEONE raised the younger generation, and someone else raised the generation that is currently raising the young. And that someone, naturally, is the older generation doing the complaining. Things don’t just happen. It was the older generations that decided to stop having family meals. It was the older generation that decided to put sports, extracurricular activities, and school above faith and family. It was the older generation that decided to enact no fault divorce that started the divorce trend that is ravaging the western world (before you get sensitive I’m not saying all divorces are the same)(In my philosophy class my professor presented us with a study that showed the top 5 worse things that could happen to a person. Divorce was in that top 5 because of how far reaching and lasting the effects of it is). The younger generation is not the one that decided for themselves that they move too much and have too much energy for the older generation to try and have patience with and learn to work with and decided to put themselves on drugs that dull their senses and turn them into zombies thus starting the abuse of such drugs. It is the older generation that has so corrupted our economy that there is a lack of well-paying jobs and our cost of living is so high that so many millennials are living at home. It’s not the youth who are deciding that they need to be in all honors and AP classes even though they aren’t equipped for it, multiple sports and clubs and then end up with busted bodies by time they graduate and depressed and even suicidal deciding to cope with cutting and prescription drug use from their parent’s cabinets or the doctors they’re sent to. It’s not the youth who have made the porn industry so successful to gross more money than the NFL, MLB, and NBA combined, in turn encouraging the pornification of every other entertainment medium.

Our country did not end up the way it is over night. The younger generations are not the way they are on accident. As St. John Paul II said in a homily back in 1986, “As the family goes, so goes the nation, and so goes the world in which we live.” We all know it. I’ve met so many parents that complain about competition in schools, sports, band, etc, yet they continue to succumb to it and form their lives around those things. They complain about how they never see their kids, everyone is so busy, they miss so much church. Parents wonder why their kids are depressed and they have no idea why. No one knows what is going on in the other family members’ hearts and minds.

At our final Confirmation night I invited parents. Some came. I challenged the teens to really think about what the sacrament is about (being more closely bound to the Church, strengthened by the Spirit, and are more strongly obligated to spread and defend the faith with their actions and words). Then I challenged the parents by reminding them what they promised they’d do at their child’s Baptism (raise them in the faith). I asked them if that has been happening. If so, great. If not, it’s time to start because they are not done raising their kids in the faith until…well they are never done. Hopefully if they are in heaven they’ll continue praying for their children. I closed by having the families not just pray with each other but by praying OVER each other. They were to share something real about what they need prayer for and take turns praying over each other. The majority had never done this and this was uncomfortable and challenging.

Stop all the complaining and take responsibility for your family. Families are what will make real change. But what do I know. I’m just a complaining millennial. 

Check out:

The Importance of Family Dinners

St. John Bosco's Ten Tips for Helping Our Youth

Do You Trust Your Father?

The writer, Anais Nin, once said "We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.” When Chris approached me two years ago asking what I thought of our family becoming missionaries with AdoreMinistries, I saw the idea as I was. Having recently been diagnosed with postpartum depression (PPD), a terrible anxiety gripped my life.  I saw missionary life as the surrendering of the only strings of security that I had left, which were Chris's steady paycheck and a life I've grown to love alongside his wonderful parents who have graciously shared their home with us. I saw our leaving the home where we had brought both our daughters from the hospital, and where I had come to know the sense of security and stability that was not present in my childhood. The voice of anxiety in me said that only a fool would give that up for a life in which we must depend on the kindness and generosity of others, and a life of unknowns. In short, I saw all of the truths of missionary life—less traditional security and having to move—through the lens of my own depression.

I would like to add here that PPD, which was soon followed by a diagnosis of major depressive disorder, has been one of the biggest gifts in my life. Brutal, dark, heavy, but a gift. You see, depression is not something that I can just get over, move past, or heal on my own. It has taken a village of people to lift me, support me, and most importantly restore my faith. I've learned that at some point in my life I determined that being self-sufficient and independent was what I needed in order to survive. I had no idea that this internal message bled over into every part of me including my spiritual life.  Fighting depression has, like the steady flow of river water, carved in me a place for trust to live and move. A few months into my counseling journey, I came across this passage from Magnificat that I would like to share with you. It has been one of most eye-opening and influential pieces of writing that I've come across in the last two years. This was in the Lenten edition this year, which was when I began praying about Adore missionary life.

“Too often the cause of our anxieties is a hidden trust in our own strength and understanding. We try to operate out of our own, false self-sufficiency. The anxiety that gets the better of us is the fear that we will not be taken care of. Anxiety of this sort stands as a deep mistrust of God’s Providence, of God’s Fatherly protection of us. Anxiety makes us doubt that love is enough; it makes us doubt God himself…”

I realized that I absolutely struggle with believing I will be taken care of and that God is a Good Father in whom I can place my trust. For as long as I can remember I've believed that if I don't take care of myself no one else will. I have a tendency to operate with an internal backup generator for when life's storms bring havoc rather than abandoning myself to the care of the one whose voice can calm the wind. Dealing with an illness that often feels greater than any strength I could ever summon has systematically broken down my desire to be self-sufficient. I know that I need help; I know I need people.

This realization stands in stark contrast to modern society’s insistence that we, especially women, should depend on nothing and no one to be happy and healthy. While I agree that happiness is primarily an interior work, I also deeply believe that the more we belong to each other the more loving a place our world can become. This is a draw of missionary life for me. I want to provide a childhood for my daughters in which they are encouraged first to love others and then to pursue their wildest dreams, for without love we are nothing and our trophies become obsessions.  

Also, in the last 5 years I have watched Chris, a truly exceptional human being, give his time and passion to youth ministry. There is no doubt he has a gift for it, and I have always supported that. But his true gift is an ability to be present to people. He can make others feel they have a steady, loving friend in their lives, and that is something for which our world has a dire need. That combined with his genuine love for all people, especially anyone that could be labeled as an outcast, make him a great youth minister. As the months passed and I began responding to treatment and improving, I came across the Adore Ministries name during morning prayer, and there was a lurch in my gut. I felt like I could begin to see our family stepping out in faith. Maybe. I decided to tell Chris I was praying about it only to discover he felt drawn to do the same. What drew me back to this opportunity over a year after I had dismissed it? Adore's heart is in loving those whom society has looked down upon or forgotten. I see our partnership with such a wonderful mission as a chance for that gift of presence Chris has to make a BIG Impact. And I see an opportunity to be a part of that too. Much of my battle with depression has consisted of figuring out how to survive, and I believe many of my gifts and talents have been buried in that process.  It is my hope that this new adventure will bring a new level of fulfillment to my life as a woman and mother, to our marriage, and in turn to our family  life.

There is a verse from Acts that Adore has in its mission statement: “Go tell the people everything about this life.” Those words capture the transparency and genuine nature that I've come to love about this group of missionaries. Tell them everything about this life? Even that I am a minister's wife who takes antidepressants and goes to therapy? Even that I have had anxiety so bad that I've missed Sunday mass? YES. Because behind the truth of my struggles is a GRACE so fierce and a love so deep and true that sharing one without the other would be false and empty. That verse comes from a passage in Acts in which an Angel frees the disciples from prison. How can we speak of freedom if we are ashamed to tell of our time in chains? What would I really have to offer anyone if all I want to share is the good in my life? My struggles forge a connection with the imperfection of this life, which I believe tethers me to others and draws us all closer to God.

“He had decided to continue down the winding, dangerous path indicated for him…to accept that he had not been told everything he wanted to know, but simply to trust. He had no desire to doubt again, he did not want to hear anything that would deflect him from his purpose.”  

—from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

So I have decided to trust. To believe in what we hope to do—beyond reason or doubt. I choose to trust that love IS enough, that it is everything, in fact. I am a work in progress who is learning to see God as a good, good Father. I have no idea what is in store for us, but I know that choosing to love others and choosing to give to those who can never repay you just can't be a mistake. It can't. That kind of faith waters the deepest roots of goodness in humanity. It breathes life into dusty bones. It heals and restores. It is the kind of faith I want behind everything I do, and it is the legacy I hope to give my daughters so that they may one day have the courage to believe in Love. With that desire to trust I walk hand in hand with my family into missionary life. I hope you'll walk with us in prayer, support, and encouragement.