Do You Trust Your Father?

The writer, Anais Nin, once said "We don't see things as they are; we see them as we are.” When Chris approached me two years ago asking what I thought of our family becoming missionaries with AdoreMinistries, I saw the idea as I was. Having recently been diagnosed with postpartum depression (PPD), a terrible anxiety gripped my life.  I saw missionary life as the surrendering of the only strings of security that I had left, which were Chris's steady paycheck and a life I've grown to love alongside his wonderful parents who have graciously shared their home with us. I saw our leaving the home where we had brought both our daughters from the hospital, and where I had come to know the sense of security and stability that was not present in my childhood. The voice of anxiety in me said that only a fool would give that up for a life in which we must depend on the kindness and generosity of others, and a life of unknowns. In short, I saw all of the truths of missionary life—less traditional security and having to move—through the lens of my own depression.

I would like to add here that PPD, which was soon followed by a diagnosis of major depressive disorder, has been one of the biggest gifts in my life. Brutal, dark, heavy, but a gift. You see, depression is not something that I can just get over, move past, or heal on my own. It has taken a village of people to lift me, support me, and most importantly restore my faith. I've learned that at some point in my life I determined that being self-sufficient and independent was what I needed in order to survive. I had no idea that this internal message bled over into every part of me including my spiritual life.  Fighting depression has, like the steady flow of river water, carved in me a place for trust to live and move. A few months into my counseling journey, I came across this passage from Magnificat that I would like to share with you. It has been one of most eye-opening and influential pieces of writing that I've come across in the last two years. This was in the Lenten edition this year, which was when I began praying about Adore missionary life.

“Too often the cause of our anxieties is a hidden trust in our own strength and understanding. We try to operate out of our own, false self-sufficiency. The anxiety that gets the better of us is the fear that we will not be taken care of. Anxiety of this sort stands as a deep mistrust of God’s Providence, of God’s Fatherly protection of us. Anxiety makes us doubt that love is enough; it makes us doubt God himself…”

I realized that I absolutely struggle with believing I will be taken care of and that God is a Good Father in whom I can place my trust. For as long as I can remember I've believed that if I don't take care of myself no one else will. I have a tendency to operate with an internal backup generator for when life's storms bring havoc rather than abandoning myself to the care of the one whose voice can calm the wind. Dealing with an illness that often feels greater than any strength I could ever summon has systematically broken down my desire to be self-sufficient. I know that I need help; I know I need people.

This realization stands in stark contrast to modern society’s insistence that we, especially women, should depend on nothing and no one to be happy and healthy. While I agree that happiness is primarily an interior work, I also deeply believe that the more we belong to each other the more loving a place our world can become. This is a draw of missionary life for me. I want to provide a childhood for my daughters in which they are encouraged first to love others and then to pursue their wildest dreams, for without love we are nothing and our trophies become obsessions.  

Also, in the last 5 years I have watched Chris, a truly exceptional human being, give his time and passion to youth ministry. There is no doubt he has a gift for it, and I have always supported that. But his true gift is an ability to be present to people. He can make others feel they have a steady, loving friend in their lives, and that is something for which our world has a dire need. That combined with his genuine love for all people, especially anyone that could be labeled as an outcast, make him a great youth minister. As the months passed and I began responding to treatment and improving, I came across the Adore Ministries name during morning prayer, and there was a lurch in my gut. I felt like I could begin to see our family stepping out in faith. Maybe. I decided to tell Chris I was praying about it only to discover he felt drawn to do the same. What drew me back to this opportunity over a year after I had dismissed it? Adore's heart is in loving those whom society has looked down upon or forgotten. I see our partnership with such a wonderful mission as a chance for that gift of presence Chris has to make a BIG Impact. And I see an opportunity to be a part of that too. Much of my battle with depression has consisted of figuring out how to survive, and I believe many of my gifts and talents have been buried in that process.  It is my hope that this new adventure will bring a new level of fulfillment to my life as a woman and mother, to our marriage, and in turn to our family  life.

There is a verse from Acts that Adore has in its mission statement: “Go tell the people everything about this life.” Those words capture the transparency and genuine nature that I've come to love about this group of missionaries. Tell them everything about this life? Even that I am a minister's wife who takes antidepressants and goes to therapy? Even that I have had anxiety so bad that I've missed Sunday mass? YES. Because behind the truth of my struggles is a GRACE so fierce and a love so deep and true that sharing one without the other would be false and empty. That verse comes from a passage in Acts in which an Angel frees the disciples from prison. How can we speak of freedom if we are ashamed to tell of our time in chains? What would I really have to offer anyone if all I want to share is the good in my life? My struggles forge a connection with the imperfection of this life, which I believe tethers me to others and draws us all closer to God.

“He had decided to continue down the winding, dangerous path indicated for him…to accept that he had not been told everything he wanted to know, but simply to trust. He had no desire to doubt again, he did not want to hear anything that would deflect him from his purpose.”  

—from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

So I have decided to trust. To believe in what we hope to do—beyond reason or doubt. I choose to trust that love IS enough, that it is everything, in fact. I am a work in progress who is learning to see God as a good, good Father. I have no idea what is in store for us, but I know that choosing to love others and choosing to give to those who can never repay you just can't be a mistake. It can't. That kind of faith waters the deepest roots of goodness in humanity. It breathes life into dusty bones. It heals and restores. It is the kind of faith I want behind everything I do, and it is the legacy I hope to give my daughters so that they may one day have the courage to believe in Love. With that desire to trust I walk hand in hand with my family into missionary life. I hope you'll walk with us in prayer, support, and encouragement.